All pregnancy, all the time...

Really, if I had any more contractions I'd probably just explode. I'm torn between just wanting to have this little Muffin baby so all this can be over and wanting just a few more full nights of sleep. Not that I really sleep all that well.

My new birth plan is to go to the hospital right before I need to push, which will force them to simply catch the baby and we can skip over all the drama. This plan was formed after I was kidnapped and held hostage, strapped to the monitor for two hours while I was forced to listen to my baby's heartbeat in stereo. I love to hear my baby's heartbeat, don't get me wrong, but something's gotta be off when I'm talking to my dad on the phone and he asks, "Who's doing construction over there?" And I have to reply that I'm actually sitting and tapping my feet to the rhythm of my unborn child's heart. It seems a little like stalking.

All I wanted was to have my cervix checked. A strange request, but because of my endless days of contractions and the fact that I happened to be near the hospital, I thought it might be good to see if I had advanced at all. I've been walking around at 2 cm. But, they couldn't just check my cervix. I should have known better, known not to even darken the hospital door until transition. But I didn't get it until I saw the nurse avoiding my eyes when I asked when I could leave. I'm not in labor, I tried to insist. I really know I'm not. TRUST me. She seemed to think I was going to have the baby on the side of the road in Weott, something I would totally never do. Maybe in Myers Flat, but never Weott.

That's when I found out their protocol: 2 hours of monitoring, if you even think about being in labor. I was pretty furious, since I really believe that I know my body better than anybody. But, not wanting to get the BAD PATIENT rap before the big day even comes, I sat like a lamb and drank apple juice through a straw and listened to the washing machine hammering that is keeping my baby alive.

So, I'll go right at the end, push the baby out, and then the nurses can bring me warm blankets and food. Everyone will be happy.