I pin things here.
I write short things here.
My author page is here.
My photos are here.
I talk about books here.
Wednesday
Aug162006
Where I Face my Fears by Being Ridiculously Open and Honest
August 16, 2006
It's been a long time since I wrote, which is not good. It's not good because what happens is a sort of traffic jam in my head, which causes me to get absolutely stumped, wondering what to write about.
What to write about?
Well, I could write about why I haven't written in so long. About the fact that my family is on vacation, and how there is nothing in the world like spending some time alone with your family. And I'm not really saying there is nothing more blissful than spending time alone with your family, (although it is much-needed time, I will add, since I live in a community and rarely spend a day alone with my family) there is just nothing like it. It is blissful, at times, frustrating at times, as my superstar husband and I begin to decompress and then attempt to communicate the long overdue stuff with one another, which is like getting the ketchup out of the bottom of the ketchup bottle. Having a deep conversation with this particular wife is also a little like conversing with Ali Baba and the forty thieves: there are a lot of us in here. I do want to talk about it, I don't want to talk about it, okay, now I do again, now I just want to snarl at you, now I'm picking an outright fight, okay let's talk nicely again, alright happiness, we're talking, we're working things out because everyone knows that marriage is long raft ride in a lovely green river, with rapids here and there that need to be navigated with care.
I just feel sorry for Chinua, that he has to be in the raft that has the crazy person in it, sometimes paddling, but sometimes trying to hit him in the head with the oars. And sometimes even stabbing the raft with a pencil, just so we have to sit on the bank for a while with a patch kit.
And that brings me to something else, something I can barely even write about but really feel like I have to. I noticed somewhat of a theme, as I went back over my previous writing. There was a suspiciously large amount of posts about me crying in public or freaking out in stores because people were looking at me, or getting upset because the checkout lady was talking to me in a mean tone of voice. And there were a lot of posts about anxiety. And you have to understand, (and I'm sure that my non-internet friends back me up on this one) that there are many many things in life that I am never anxious about. For example:
Germs. (Go ahead kids, eat those crackers off the ground, seven second rule.) This is one reason that I do so well in India, I believe. People like me were MADE for travel in countries like India which have, let's say, issues with sanitation. I'm going to be ridiculously open here and confess to you that as a kid, I ate a lot of gum off of the ground. My poor mother was always asking me what I had in my mouth. "Nuffing," I would say as I tried to hide a large wad of someone else's watermelon gum under my tongue. Obviously I regret this decision to eat gum off of the ground as a child, simply because it's a little embarrassing, but really, I never, ever worry about germs.
Money. Most of the time. I've lived a life of faith for so long that I'm pretty good now at relaxing and allowing God to take care of us. We work pretty hard for no pay, and somehow God always brings us what we need. Like this place to rest, a place that Jessie and her husband Levi offered to us and we receive joyfully because God always likes to work through people. He rarely showers mountains of money out of the sky, but there seems to be a different way of living, an economy made of people who give to each other in different ways at different times. Now, I have had times of near heart attack with money, I'm not going to lie, such as when our community lived in this ridiculously expensive flat on Haight Street and I was in charge of collecting rent and paying bills. If there is any job in the entire world that I should not be in charge of, it is collecting rent.
Disaster. I'm not super fearful. I travel a lot, have been in fairly dangerous circumstances a lot, and yet don't find that I'm really all that worried that something bad will happen to me or my family. I find it easy to believe that everything will somehow be okay. I know that we could be in danger, that things could heat up here, that one day in India I could be put in a bad position, but I also know that God often doesn't give us the ability to go through hard things until we need it.
I don't lie awake worrying about money, sickness, danger, or potential disaster.
I do lie awake worrying about people.
I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to people and social situations. At the best I can be a good friend, listen to people, be in public and not be terribly self conscious, and go to sleep at night easily. At the worst I flinch when people look at me in public, am afraid of talking to people, and am knotted up inside at night, worrying. After a conversation I may go over what I said obsessively, wondering if anything was wrong or upsetting or offensive. I'm coming to think that I need to seriously address this.
But how?
It is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life. Why am I so afraid? What am I afraid of? I guess I'm just going to have to continue to write it all down. I think I could seek a diagnosis, and probably find one, but I'm reluctant to do that. I don't want to be contained within my illness. There are many parts to a mountain: there are the trees, the rough patches, the old stones, that dirt underneath. There is the sky, coming all the way down to touch the dry earth, the occasional wildflower and there are wide-open spaces. I am not made only of the parts of me that are sick and hiding, and I feel that healing is more than surgery, more than medicine, more than a bandaid. I don't know why I am so afraid of people being angry with me, I don't know why I feel a sort of constant judgment humming underneath the ground. I have seen those open spaces, I know that there are many trees to climb through, to get there, and I know there will be the small flowers in the trees, the glimpses of blue sky to help me through. God is a true Friend; He neither allows me to escape this, nor allows it to break me. And there is my superstar husband, who, when I am wild with fear over the days ahead of me, the people I will disappoint, the mistakes I will make, looks me in the eyes and says, "You only have today. You only have this moment."
What to write about?
Well, I could write about why I haven't written in so long. About the fact that my family is on vacation, and how there is nothing in the world like spending some time alone with your family. And I'm not really saying there is nothing more blissful than spending time alone with your family, (although it is much-needed time, I will add, since I live in a community and rarely spend a day alone with my family) there is just nothing like it. It is blissful, at times, frustrating at times, as my superstar husband and I begin to decompress and then attempt to communicate the long overdue stuff with one another, which is like getting the ketchup out of the bottom of the ketchup bottle. Having a deep conversation with this particular wife is also a little like conversing with Ali Baba and the forty thieves: there are a lot of us in here. I do want to talk about it, I don't want to talk about it, okay, now I do again, now I just want to snarl at you, now I'm picking an outright fight, okay let's talk nicely again, alright happiness, we're talking, we're working things out because everyone knows that marriage is long raft ride in a lovely green river, with rapids here and there that need to be navigated with care.
I just feel sorry for Chinua, that he has to be in the raft that has the crazy person in it, sometimes paddling, but sometimes trying to hit him in the head with the oars. And sometimes even stabbing the raft with a pencil, just so we have to sit on the bank for a while with a patch kit.
And that brings me to something else, something I can barely even write about but really feel like I have to. I noticed somewhat of a theme, as I went back over my previous writing. There was a suspiciously large amount of posts about me crying in public or freaking out in stores because people were looking at me, or getting upset because the checkout lady was talking to me in a mean tone of voice. And there were a lot of posts about anxiety. And you have to understand, (and I'm sure that my non-internet friends back me up on this one) that there are many many things in life that I am never anxious about. For example:
Germs. (Go ahead kids, eat those crackers off the ground, seven second rule.) This is one reason that I do so well in India, I believe. People like me were MADE for travel in countries like India which have, let's say, issues with sanitation. I'm going to be ridiculously open here and confess to you that as a kid, I ate a lot of gum off of the ground. My poor mother was always asking me what I had in my mouth. "Nuffing," I would say as I tried to hide a large wad of someone else's watermelon gum under my tongue. Obviously I regret this decision to eat gum off of the ground as a child, simply because it's a little embarrassing, but really, I never, ever worry about germs.
Money. Most of the time. I've lived a life of faith for so long that I'm pretty good now at relaxing and allowing God to take care of us. We work pretty hard for no pay, and somehow God always brings us what we need. Like this place to rest, a place that Jessie and her husband Levi offered to us and we receive joyfully because God always likes to work through people. He rarely showers mountains of money out of the sky, but there seems to be a different way of living, an economy made of people who give to each other in different ways at different times. Now, I have had times of near heart attack with money, I'm not going to lie, such as when our community lived in this ridiculously expensive flat on Haight Street and I was in charge of collecting rent and paying bills. If there is any job in the entire world that I should not be in charge of, it is collecting rent.
Disaster. I'm not super fearful. I travel a lot, have been in fairly dangerous circumstances a lot, and yet don't find that I'm really all that worried that something bad will happen to me or my family. I find it easy to believe that everything will somehow be okay. I know that we could be in danger, that things could heat up here, that one day in India I could be put in a bad position, but I also know that God often doesn't give us the ability to go through hard things until we need it.
I don't lie awake worrying about money, sickness, danger, or potential disaster.
I do lie awake worrying about people.
I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to people and social situations. At the best I can be a good friend, listen to people, be in public and not be terribly self conscious, and go to sleep at night easily. At the worst I flinch when people look at me in public, am afraid of talking to people, and am knotted up inside at night, worrying. After a conversation I may go over what I said obsessively, wondering if anything was wrong or upsetting or offensive. I'm coming to think that I need to seriously address this.
But how?
It is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life. Why am I so afraid? What am I afraid of? I guess I'm just going to have to continue to write it all down. I think I could seek a diagnosis, and probably find one, but I'm reluctant to do that. I don't want to be contained within my illness. There are many parts to a mountain: there are the trees, the rough patches, the old stones, that dirt underneath. There is the sky, coming all the way down to touch the dry earth, the occasional wildflower and there are wide-open spaces. I am not made only of the parts of me that are sick and hiding, and I feel that healing is more than surgery, more than medicine, more than a bandaid. I don't know why I am so afraid of people being angry with me, I don't know why I feel a sort of constant judgment humming underneath the ground. I have seen those open spaces, I know that there are many trees to climb through, to get there, and I know there will be the small flowers in the trees, the glimpses of blue sky to help me through. God is a true Friend; He neither allows me to escape this, nor allows it to break me. And there is my superstar husband, who, when I am wild with fear over the days ahead of me, the people I will disappoint, the mistakes I will make, looks me in the eyes and says, "You only have today. You only have this moment."
Reader Comments (6)
I totally agree with your husband about you only having this moment. I recognize those signs popping up (finally) in me, and I can laugh, saying its just anticipation, because part of the fear of unknowns is the anticipation of something being difficult or happening, and I can put that aside with a laugh knowing that it will not be as difficult as I anticipated.
you're doing okay!!!! you've overcome tremendous things this last while.
Hi, I just found your blog via the revgalpals. I just wanted to say that a good therapist will not box you into a diagnosis but can serve as a fairly decent travel guide through the forest. This was my experience dealing with depression/anxiety. There is no shame in stopping to ask for directions! Peace to you.
I realized that for me the reason I worry about people, and rehash conversations, and that kind of thing, is that some wounded part of me deep down doesn't feel loved, I want to make everyone like me, I'm afraid of anothers bad opinion or anger toward me, like that little kid running after the big kids and trying to be cool so that they will accept her and damaging herself by staying and allowing them to ridicule her even more. That little kid inside me is still there and desperate to feel loved and accepted and that is the place that needs to get healed, and realize that her heavenly father loves her.
So you're not alone.
Ok so that analogy about the raft made me and Levi laugh so hard. There is just always that crazy person and sometimes it is yourself. I really related. Then we could just picture a person paddleing and then hitting the person in front of them and yelling at them. Something about it hit a cord and we laughed for a long time. Thanks for being so real so that the rest of us can see ourselves and maybe accept our imperfections a little bit more.
Awesome post. I didn't discover your blog until recently, but your writing is so clear and your descriptions so bright (especially those of yourself and your family) that I feel I know you a lot better than some people I have known in the real world for years. Does that sound weird?
I think most people worry about what other people think of them. I think it's a part of life. Obviously if it's crippling, it's something to work on, but I don't think it will ever go away completely. Lots of times I lie in bed reliving a conversation, wishing I'd said something another way, or not said anything at all. I guess you just have to let it go. Besides, most of the time I think we are all so concerned with how appear to others, that we don't have time to pass judgement on the people who assume we're passing judgement on them.
hi :) recently found your blog, been stopping in to read every once in a while. i love that you live overseas! we live in japan, making our living situation quite different than yours in india, but its SO REFRESHING to read and remember that someone else is surviving in another land, far from home! got to this post reading one of your recent ones. i wanted to comment because i have struggled with many of the same people-related fears. my husband is the exact opposite of me, which is a large part of how i came to see the unhealthiness of my views and behaviors. this confession of sorts refreshed me, even years after you wrote it :) thank you.