Transport, Motorways and Tramways...

I'm sorry guys, I'm showing up here right now with nothing good.  I've been consumed in office work that sucks all my energy right out of me, I feel low, rejected, sad, and anxious.  Let down, hanging around... oh wait, did I just step into a Radiohead song?  I haven't been posting all that much because I found myself counting how many poopy diapers I had changed and how many loads of laundry I had washed, and I was writing it all down when I got sick of myself and deleted it, all of it, all my numbers and charts and adding things up.

Nothing adds up.  I'm learning that I should just stay away from numbers.  They don't feed me.  What does?

My wood stove.  It's purty.  And warm.

A big heavy four-year-old boy agreeing with me when I tell him it's cuddle time after he's had a grumpy morning.  I could sit with his head under my chin all day.  I always marvel at the large skull that has grown from the tiny fragile head he was born with.  Not to mention the long legs from those little bowed bird legs.

My Leaf Baby.  He tries to make me laugh and he always succeeds.

Collecting stones from the beach.

A beautiful painting/song/poem.

BEAUTY.  Oh I need it.  In me, around me.  Lately I've been rebelling, feeling like such a cleaning lady.  I know it's all to the end of creating a beautiful space for my family, but does it have to be so repetitive? Does it have to feel so futile?  Or how about other areas in life? Does loving people have to feel so one-sided?   Can we get a little rain? Oh, here I am, complaining. 

I'll write again tomorrow, maybe the morning will shake some of this out of me.  I have things to tell you, I do. 

Now I prefer to stew in my misery.

Comments

[Jessica]

thanks for writing... it helps jog me out of my own little world... and i am trying not to stew in my misery... but oh, life can be so hard sometimes. beauty really does help... sorry if this is rather incoherent... so much is happening in life right now and it feels like my world is spinning out of control at times.

[Rebeca]

Here's to you finding the beauty that is set out for you today....

[Sarah]

I think proof of God's possible existence is that chins were made to perfectly, perfectly fit our baby's heads right underneath. Lately I've been thinking about making a super glue beard so that she has to stay there forever....This neck craning, I don't wanna miss any of the house hold action business is positively soul crushing.

[eleanor]

oh, the repetition. why is it that some days that sense of accomplishment is so grand as a housewife then the next it feels not like a dance but a chore cruelly repeated for the millionth time?

[#1mama]

It's funny how we all aspire to be a wife and mother, when a lot of it is drudgery and cleaning up. But then there are the rewards such as you mentioned, Kid A's sitting on your lap for a little longer, until too big, #3 child trying to get you to laugh, and YaYa sister's delightful laughs and sweet kisses & hugs. You are doing well though, because you are getting some writing in as well. I'll trade you lives!

[Jennifer]

Now I know why I woke up 2 mornings ago and thought to pray for you-funny that I don't know you, I live on the other side of the country yet you are who came to mind at 2am. (I don't question anymore, I just pray no matter who it is!) I'm struggling with the drudgery, monotony and futility of my everyday life too. I wonder if this is all I'm here to do? If so, I wonder how I can honor God doing a job I'm so awful at? I wonder about it all and the days never change and I never get ahead of it all... Anyway, just know that whatever today brought and whatever tomorrow has in store, that a mom in FL is lifting up your sweet family by name ie, Kid A, Yaya Sister, Leaf Baby, Journeymama and her Rock Star Husband!

[menak a]

Hey sweet sunshine mommas!

If it is any comfort, i too drudge the routinized mechanical cleaning ability it seems only i have,

after working twelve hour days and my sweet children have spent the entire day (actually week because i leave when they are asleep and come home when they are ready for sleep) -- Mr. Mom, aka my honey hasn't even thought that cleaning the house is an option whilst with the little angels... and then hour thirteen is spent cleaning yet again after my family,

it feels like i am the only one who really cares if things are clean?

and so with that in mind, and also knowing my husband detests criticism of any sort, (who does like it) i have come to the conclusion that i should allow them to be how they are and clean only what is necissary, and engage them, some of the most fun i have with rae (my three yr old) is using the natural cleaning spray and squirting and rubbing all over the floor, my older daughter thinks it uncool to clean up, but she will learn slowly,

i see cleanin as an endless service where you will never be satisfied completely because there will always be more mess, i take faith in knowing that i am not alone in my cleaning madness,

I am slowly starting to let go of my expectations so long as everyone is healthy and vital, my nagging to have them clean up after them selves is energy waisted, and puts too much friction in the middle,

just do the best you can and know that that is awesome!!!

ps, having less belongings than the average person is handy too, less to have to pick up!!
every month my partner and i go through all our kids belongings to chuck out what they don't even play with, i love to throw things away, the less external attachments the better.

love and hugs,

menaka

[tramadol medication]

tramadol medication...

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