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Friday
Feb162007
My thoughts are like clouds, driven by a stiff wind
February 16, 2007
1. I love to sit and drink an Americano with two shots of espresso.
2. I'm so glad that Elena bought me that little espresso machine. She's prescient like that. Probably knew I'd be using it everyday.
3. The sky is so pretty today.
4. I want to knit myself a sweater with a hood that's big enough to fit over my gigantic head (actually my head's not that big, it's just that my neck is so long) and some socks, and a shawl, and some slippers and everyone I know linen hand towels and cotton dishcloths and soft wool blankets.Â
5. How long will that take me?
6. I want to write about something kind of intense, but I don't want everyone to feel sorry for me or have sympathy for me.
7. I want everyone to feel sorry for me and have sympathy for me.
8. No I don't.
9. Shoot, that Leaf Baby is cute.
10. I want a burrito.
11. My friend Devon looks so pretty with her new hair color. I wonder if I should dye my hair? Maybe black?
12. Black is a bad idea.
13. I want some stuffed pizza like we had on my last day in Chicago.
14. I hate that a lot of my friends live far away from me.
15. This coffee is really good.
16. I'm proud of myself for writing over 6000 words in the third first draft of my novel this week.Â
17. My novel sucks.
18. No it doesn't. I love my novel. It's my fourth child.
19. Okay, so the kind of intense thing is this: I've lived in community since I was eighteen years old, which is eight years, for those of you who don't want to do the math. It's all of my adult life. I've never really lived any other way.  And when I started out, I had a lot of ideals. I was really starry eyed and intense about loving one another and looking out for each other and considering others before ourselves. And then, over the years, I began to get slightly jaded. And as people wandered in and out of my life, I started to more often have my arms crossed over my chest, to protect myself. And then I started to think things like I'd better look out for myself, because no one else will. And actually, even I can't look out for myself, so I guess no one is. And then I even thought things like I can't tell anyone how I really feel inside. And that turned into I'd rather kill myself than feel like I do. And then, there's no way out. And then something broke, and I started to talk to people more, and my fists unclenched a little, and life looked a little more beautiful, and I started to notice wildflowers again and to feel happy when I was hanging out with my friends, rather than alone. And thoughts of death didn't come so suddenly, and I began to take pleasure in my kids, and the forest was healing to me.
And yet. There are always new corners to be turned, and I have gradually realized that I still have my arms crossed over my chest, and I have completely missed the point, somehow. To put it very practically, I spend very little time wondering how I can turn someone else's day from a speck on the calendar to a brilliant spark on their path. You know, the special things. Above and beyond. I spend my time playing out my role in the community, defending myself and my commitment, doing the office work that I tolerate. But what about life on the mountain? What about washing other people's tired feet, for Pete's sake? What about encouraging others, even at my own expense?Â
I've learned a lot of simple things in taking care of myself when I'm feeling depressed. Remember my rules? 1. Wash your face and brush your teeth. 2. Eat at every mealtime. 3. Sleep at night. I've expanded these to include, 4. Take breaks throughout the day. 5. Write everyday. 6. Get on the floor and play with your kids. And there's more.Â
But life can't only be reduced only to these things. I had a realization this week that I've begun to think of a community as a place where we cohabitate, rather than a living journey, a walk together where we strengthen each other along the way. And not only that, but have I begun to think of my marriage this way? I've done so many things that are unintentionally hurtful to my husband over the years that I'm surprised, in a way, that he still looks at me with hope.Â
I have a little sermon that I give about condemnation versus conviction. Condemnation comes from the enemy of our souls and leaves you gasping at the creek bed, wondering whether you should just lie at the bottom until you drown. Conviction takes you to the edge of a vast ocean and shows you a new way to be. It hurts, sometimes, to realize you've been stuck on the land when you could have been sailing, but the beauty of the ocean soothes you and draws you to itself. And that's where I am, I'm not lost in this, I'm afloat, God is beside me. The sky is pleasant and I have years ahead to try again.Â
But I feel like I need to apologize, to any of you reading who have been a part of my community. I'm sorry. I forgot how beautiful it could be. I don't even know if I'll be able to do any better right now. The old defenses come up so quickly. But I can try.Â
20. That was hard to write.
21. I like the music that's playing in this cafe.
22. I need to download some Otis Redding.
23. This coffee is really good.
2. I'm so glad that Elena bought me that little espresso machine. She's prescient like that. Probably knew I'd be using it everyday.
3. The sky is so pretty today.
4. I want to knit myself a sweater with a hood that's big enough to fit over my gigantic head (actually my head's not that big, it's just that my neck is so long) and some socks, and a shawl, and some slippers and everyone I know linen hand towels and cotton dishcloths and soft wool blankets.Â
5. How long will that take me?
6. I want to write about something kind of intense, but I don't want everyone to feel sorry for me or have sympathy for me.
7. I want everyone to feel sorry for me and have sympathy for me.
8. No I don't.
9. Shoot, that Leaf Baby is cute.
10. I want a burrito.
11. My friend Devon looks so pretty with her new hair color. I wonder if I should dye my hair? Maybe black?
12. Black is a bad idea.
13. I want some stuffed pizza like we had on my last day in Chicago.
14. I hate that a lot of my friends live far away from me.
15. This coffee is really good.
16. I'm proud of myself for writing over 6000 words in the third first draft of my novel this week.Â
17. My novel sucks.
18. No it doesn't. I love my novel. It's my fourth child.
19. Okay, so the kind of intense thing is this: I've lived in community since I was eighteen years old, which is eight years, for those of you who don't want to do the math. It's all of my adult life. I've never really lived any other way.  And when I started out, I had a lot of ideals. I was really starry eyed and intense about loving one another and looking out for each other and considering others before ourselves. And then, over the years, I began to get slightly jaded. And as people wandered in and out of my life, I started to more often have my arms crossed over my chest, to protect myself. And then I started to think things like I'd better look out for myself, because no one else will. And actually, even I can't look out for myself, so I guess no one is. And then I even thought things like I can't tell anyone how I really feel inside. And that turned into I'd rather kill myself than feel like I do. And then, there's no way out. And then something broke, and I started to talk to people more, and my fists unclenched a little, and life looked a little more beautiful, and I started to notice wildflowers again and to feel happy when I was hanging out with my friends, rather than alone. And thoughts of death didn't come so suddenly, and I began to take pleasure in my kids, and the forest was healing to me.
And yet. There are always new corners to be turned, and I have gradually realized that I still have my arms crossed over my chest, and I have completely missed the point, somehow. To put it very practically, I spend very little time wondering how I can turn someone else's day from a speck on the calendar to a brilliant spark on their path. You know, the special things. Above and beyond. I spend my time playing out my role in the community, defending myself and my commitment, doing the office work that I tolerate. But what about life on the mountain? What about washing other people's tired feet, for Pete's sake? What about encouraging others, even at my own expense?Â
I've learned a lot of simple things in taking care of myself when I'm feeling depressed. Remember my rules? 1. Wash your face and brush your teeth. 2. Eat at every mealtime. 3. Sleep at night. I've expanded these to include, 4. Take breaks throughout the day. 5. Write everyday. 6. Get on the floor and play with your kids. And there's more.Â
But life can't only be reduced only to these things. I had a realization this week that I've begun to think of a community as a place where we cohabitate, rather than a living journey, a walk together where we strengthen each other along the way. And not only that, but have I begun to think of my marriage this way? I've done so many things that are unintentionally hurtful to my husband over the years that I'm surprised, in a way, that he still looks at me with hope.Â
I have a little sermon that I give about condemnation versus conviction. Condemnation comes from the enemy of our souls and leaves you gasping at the creek bed, wondering whether you should just lie at the bottom until you drown. Conviction takes you to the edge of a vast ocean and shows you a new way to be. It hurts, sometimes, to realize you've been stuck on the land when you could have been sailing, but the beauty of the ocean soothes you and draws you to itself. And that's where I am, I'm not lost in this, I'm afloat, God is beside me. The sky is pleasant and I have years ahead to try again.Â
But I feel like I need to apologize, to any of you reading who have been a part of my community. I'm sorry. I forgot how beautiful it could be. I don't even know if I'll be able to do any better right now. The old defenses come up so quickly. But I can try.Â
20. That was hard to write.
21. I like the music that's playing in this cafe.
22. I need to download some Otis Redding.
23. This coffee is really good.
Reader Comments (13)
I admire your honesty Rae. You think deeply with your whole heart.
1. I should send you some of our coffee to try.
2. I'm glad you wrote it down.
3. My time of living in community with you was beautiful.
4. I only wish it had been longer.
5. I will read your novel when it's published, so please keep writing it.
Yes, I've barely read any of your posts, but I want to read your novel when it's done. Whether it's good or not. :)
1. I come to your blog to read sometimes.
2. I enjoy your entries.
3. I get depressed sometimes too.
4. It never lasts forever. And Jesus is ALWAYS with you.
5. Condemnation comes from the enemy to bring destruction and death.
6. The enemy whispers lies in your ears (in the sound of your own voice.)
7. To belittle you and make you feel that you are a horrible person, mom, wife, daughter, etc.
8. To destroy you from the inside out.
9. Conviction comes from the Holy Spirit to bring change and life.
10. He shows you a small part of your life that He wants you to work on to bring you to a new level of your walk with the Lord.
11. He lovingly works on the hard spots in your heart to bring new life to you.
12. He works to bring you closer to Jesus.
13. Worshipping Jesus pushes the enemy away and pulls the Holy Spirit in.
14. You don't need to be happy or be having a good day to worship Jesus.
15. You can worship to songs you are tired of or don't even like. Just like love at times , worship can be a choice and an act of your will.
16. Why? How?
17 Because Jesus is worthy to be praised despite your day or your situation.
18. He loves you, took on your sins, just so He could have a relationship with you.
19. You worship just by praising Jesus and singing songs of praise.
20. You worship Jesus by dancing, raising your arms, and your voice.
21. You worship Jesus in your own words.
22. You worship Jesus in the actions of your daily life...caring for and being there for your husband, caring for and teaching your kids, caring for and helping others, and in all the other simple acts in your day to day life. This happens whether you are changing diapers, doing laundry, or making meals.
23. You are loved and God wants to enhance and build up your life.
24. I've learned that living in the "Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil" means that I judge people and allow them to be ruler of my life. It also means that I am not trusting God. This tree is not from God because it sets you or someone else up to decide what the measure of good and evil are. It leads to condemnation not life.
25. I've learned that living in the "Tree of Life" is realizing that you can love people no matter where they are because you trust that the Lord can take care of fixing their hard spots.
26. I hope my long comment makes sense. I am a mom of five and it can get very exciting around here. (Trying to be more positive with the Lord's help. :)
27...YOU GO, RAE!!! You are a blessing to me!!!
I also am looking forward to reading your novel and I wish that I lived in your community sometimes but I also like our community here.
Just found your blog recently when I entered Owlhaven's writing contest. What a very pleasant discovery! I am in awe of your writing skill. You make it look so easy. Though, I know it's not. Not for me anyway! Maybe for you! I like how you can flow so quickly in & out from lightheartedness to seriousness and back again, and it feels so perfectly natural. And you write with such beauty and grace. And you're funny. (In a very good way) It is a joy & alot of fun to read your work! Thank you for sharing & blessings to you & your family.
Yeah, what she said! (rory) And thanks for the sweetness, you make me blush!
What a beautiful post. Thank you. And beautiful comments too. I like you're rules too. Very helpful.
Dear Rae:
You are so totally honest - something a lot of people aren't and that's a good thing. I agree with Talcatt and all that was said in the response. I realized this week while reading Psalm 99 where it talks about exalting the Lord that through my walk I have sometimes forgotten to exalt Him. How many days do I let go by without taking time to totally focus on Him and exalt Him - too many I am sure. (That's my bit of honesty).
Are you drinking decaf americano? Just wondering. Serious Coffee in B.C. has decaf expresso added to decaf for a milder "shot in the dark" which I love too. Hard to believe that you're drinking coffee again!
Keep up the good fight, keep writing - I know that I cannot wait to read your book - you are so talented - when I read the wording in "I am" I just could not believe how you can manipulate words on the page to be thrilling and all encompassing! One does not want to stop reading the things that you've written. That is a very special and rare talent!
Darkness is such a terrible place. I'm glad I only visit now and then instead of residing there like I once did. I don't know what it's like to live in your community, but I do know what it feels like to wonder if anything you do has any Kingdom value. Isn't it interesting that the difference between the light and dark places of life is often based on how we perceive our position? I have felt peace and joy in the midst of a storm and utter lonliness and despair at the top of a mountain. I'm thanking God that you are more on top of the water than underneath it and I hope you can offer yourself at least a measure of the grace you seem to so freely offer to others.
Hey Rae,
Congrats on winning the I Am contest. Incidentally, of all God's names, "I Am" is my favorite.
In any case, have you read Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge? While reading your post the Holy spirit just kept bringing that thought back to me that "the King is captivated by your beauty". And so am I. :)
1. in the essence of truth and life, love makes the circle whole,~ shimshai
2. one love, one heart, lets get together and feel alright..~bob
3. your truth has graced me, and inspired devotion...
4. Please forgve me for any offences i may have made to you ever, i wish to love and serve you in service to the lord,
5. we all get depressed, the nature of this world is to want to break free from maya/illusion, and be with god,
6. We are all children of that personification of supreme happiness, we should try to realize truth, we must not quarrel with those of other religous faiths, the one true religion of the soul is love, and that religion is one without a second, we should try to love eachother, and in this way people of can live happily in this world, ~my spiritual teacher and father, Srila Narayan Gosvwami,
7 I vow to read the gospel of peace of jesus christ this week and go on an essene diet,
8 i love you and wish to share our childrens beauty,
9 you inspire me to be sober and truthful
10 my children are my blessing in this life, to nourish and grow to serve others and god, i wish to give them peace and stength in devotion..
(11. i feel like devotion to god has three stages of development: the stage of practice, the stage of awakening spiritual ecstasy, and the stage of fully blossomed ecstacy called pure love, god's love and love for god...)
12--when we practice our faith, through meditation, sharing with our community (global too) through food, prayerfull song, serving selflessly, we can find strength and happiness, we can also find our arms crossed in fear or protection, we must love, love love, it will break down our inner demons,
12.5 i like writing with numbers too.
12. all ya need is love, love is all y a need, ~ george harrison,
13. i wonder if you will still want to visit with me after i send this email or you will think i'm a crazy hare krishna?
14. i love jesus..
15. Can i promote your novel, and buy a few boxes?? i'm totally stoked to read it,!
16, your momma is so seet, all your family is sweet, you are full of sweetness!
17, thank you for your association and mercy.
18 we are really young and still have lots of time to fullfill our dreams, i haven't even left canada in the past 8 years!!!! you rock girl!
19. if you havent' please visit my website at :
www.saranagati.ca
20. the thymes, they are a changin! ~bob dylan
21 knock knock knocin on heavans door~CLAPTON
22. you are thirty two flavors and then some, ~ sort of difranco...
23. i love you.
Rae,
I came back & slowly re-read your #19. Being as it was bunched in there with #1-#23 I think my last comment really boneheadedly missed the point. You very courageously bared your soul to the extreme. In a breathtakingly honest, touching & beautiful way. I think most of us who have any honest feelings that we are in touch with have a #19. It's one of those things not shared very often, but when it is I believe more of us can relate than one would think. By your own #19-stated definition of what you want community to be, then I must be a part of your community and as such I reach out my heart to you across the internet from So.Cal to No.Cal & give you a big warm brotherly hug (in a totally non-creepy way!) from a Christian brother to a Christian sister with thoughts & prayers of support to you & your family. I thank you for doing the hard work of making yourself so vulnerable & using the great gift that God has given you of being able to be so honest and so talented in how you can wonderfully put those thoughts of yours into words. You do it so beautifully. And I know I'm new here, but you certianly have nothing to appologize to me for. ....well, ok, maybe those last 2 Japanese videos you shared!! Yeah, sure, I admit I thought they were wildly & wierdly comical when I first watched them, but then when I excitedly gathered my wife & 3 kids around the computer to watch them, my wife & oldest boy just looked at me afterwards like, "hey, why did you just waist 3 minutes of my life?!" Although, my almost-2-year-old girl & her 5-year-old brother still march around the house trying to do the arm movements & saying,"Spare me my life,Spare me my life!" "Take anything you want,take anything you want!" and now: "bye-bye, pooh-pooh"! ...Uh,thanks Rae!! :-)