...to talk about "good enough".
Last night I had a dream about our three rats. I dreamed that I was trying to transport them in their cage, (along with a baby jaguar that I had mysteriously befriended) and they all got free. I could see them jumping and running through the grass, and for the rest of the dream I frantically tried to grab at them, but they kept eluding me, their fat furry bodies slipping through my fingers. The night grass was wet, and for what seemed to be a very long time I stumbled through it, desperate to get my husband's three pet rats back before his heart broke.
What does this have to do with good enough? Everything, obviously. Or nothing. Depending on which way you look at it. But I seem to have a lot of dreams about trying to do something the right way, only to have something go terribly, terribly wrong, and then the blame cloud settles above my head.
Right now I am trying to make up my mind about whether I want to go to my dance class again tonight, or whether I want to go home and watch a movie. I know for a fact that if I go to my dance class, I will feel embarrassed (for walking out last week), but that the exercise will make my blood run through my veins a little more spunkily. It will be good for me. Humiliation, West African Style. I also know that if I go home and watch the kind of escapist movie that I desire to watch, pretty much nothing good will come out of it. One thing I'm learning is that this kind of rest doesn't really make me feel rested. I mean, every once in a while it does, but it's always better to take things in that will have me rising from bed a little more excitedly the next day.
What does this have to do with good enough? Well, the question running through my mind when I think about dance class tonight is, "Will I be good enough?"
I found this group of words about simple living at this woman's blog.
Simplicity is voluntary, free, uncluttered, natural, creative, authentic, focused, margined, disciplined, diligent, healthful.
Simplicity is not easy, legalistic, proud, impoverished, ascetic, neurotic, ignorant, escapist.
You can see the difference between the two lists. One feels like a sweet breeze, the other smacks of that dark grey blame cloud. I like the idea of defining my life this way, of creating lists of words like beads on a string, beautiful shining things that keep me on a straight line. These words would have nothing to do with good enough.
Because I think that the answer is no. I'm not good enough. I never will be. I'm not good enough for my own tyrannical mind, I'm not even good enough for the shining standard that I seek to be. (like God) But this is not the point.
In my Christian faith there are words like redemption. In redemption, every sad thing is brought to beauty and joy. Every slip up has sparkly grace mixed in with it. This word has nothing to do with good enough. The whole point is that we are not good enough, and that a true Man had to be good enough for us. This sets us free from our endless self-justification that is a badly behaved cousin of guilt, always whining in the corner, "At least I'm not like Paris Hilton..."
In a way, the specifics don't even matter. It could be my lack of decorating skill, it could be my dusty corners, it could be the way that I ignore things in my fridge that I know good and well are rotting. It could be a rough hand on my child's shoulder, it could be an envious glance, it could be not enough money, not enough time, not enough patience. The point is that we are told to take our eyes off our belly buttons and be filled with a different kind of motivation. Not to be good enough. But to craft a life of love. A life where God always has the opportunity to bust through the clouds with the answer for the day, to be THE MAN.
Our list of words as people, mothers, fathers, friends, ministers, whatever we are, should not be drudgery, obligation, guilt, mockery, envy, competition and resignation.
This is the list of words that my Great Rescuer has for me. Freedom, joy, mercy, servanthood (because hey, floor's gotta be cleaned, right?) mystery, courtesy, simplicity, beauty, rest, diligence, awe, and many more. Not to mention fun. Funnity fun fun.
(Like this video, which I watched today with my Superstar Husband, a little ironic after my dream.)
...to talk about "good enough".