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Tuesday
Jan152008
I know I have a weird expression on my face
January 15, 2008
Those are some big trees. And there are more and more beyond them.
I find myself wanting to know which trees fell, and how they fell, and what it all looks like. I wonder if it was that group of three that the kids used to call the castle. Flowers grew out of the base, in the spring. Wild orchids and some kind of blue flower that I never really identified.
It really is true, that you can't look back. And my pining for my little house in the woods is useless. Especially now. But there is a crazy lesson in here somewhere, about the finality of change, and the strength in looking forward and going on.
The most crushing accusation that can be made against me is that I wasn't listening. Listening to that small voice of God's- the one that I have been trying to follow for most of my life. It has been one step after the other, leaning in His direction. To be accused of disobedience is a weight on my shoulders that I almost haven't been able to bear. And it has happened, recently, these accusations. Many more people have been supportive than accusatory, let me say. But still, I feel as though I have been under a dark cloud. It has been heavy on me. I wish I had a thicker skin.
It is maybe just coincidence that immediately after I made that decision, to turn away from the hurt and into the new day, I got the news that there isn't even any reason to be looking backward. Because there is God! And he is saying that he really did put things into place the way they needed to be! And if it had happened any other way, ANY OTHER WAY, this could have been horribly tragic.
And I feel different. Something, some dark shameful thing, has slipped off of me. My world, the one where you pray, and believe, and then joyfully make your choices without fear, that world is falling back into place around me. I wish I was more certain, all the time, of what I know to be true. I wish I didn't need a reassurance of this magnitude. And I didn't really ask for it, but then it was there. I don't think it gets much more clear than that. Maybe one day I will be like the oak tree, here outside our house in Sacramento. The one that didn't fall.
And yes, we say thank you again and again and again and again. I should say, too, that I don't mean to say that we are invincible, or that suffering will not enter our lives. Everyone dies. But the timing is God's. I hope that if suffering comes to my life I can accept it, also.
*
On another note, last week this showed up on my porch.
A grey velor maternity hoodie from Carrien. Nothing could be cozier. I've worn it every day since I opened the box. I particularly like to wear it with my brown velor pants, and then when I'm tired I just roll up into a little ball and snuggle.
I find myself wanting to know which trees fell, and how they fell, and what it all looks like. I wonder if it was that group of three that the kids used to call the castle. Flowers grew out of the base, in the spring. Wild orchids and some kind of blue flower that I never really identified.
It really is true, that you can't look back. And my pining for my little house in the woods is useless. Especially now. But there is a crazy lesson in here somewhere, about the finality of change, and the strength in looking forward and going on.
The most crushing accusation that can be made against me is that I wasn't listening. Listening to that small voice of God's- the one that I have been trying to follow for most of my life. It has been one step after the other, leaning in His direction. To be accused of disobedience is a weight on my shoulders that I almost haven't been able to bear. And it has happened, recently, these accusations. Many more people have been supportive than accusatory, let me say. But still, I feel as though I have been under a dark cloud. It has been heavy on me. I wish I had a thicker skin.
It is maybe just coincidence that immediately after I made that decision, to turn away from the hurt and into the new day, I got the news that there isn't even any reason to be looking backward. Because there is God! And he is saying that he really did put things into place the way they needed to be! And if it had happened any other way, ANY OTHER WAY, this could have been horribly tragic.
And I feel different. Something, some dark shameful thing, has slipped off of me. My world, the one where you pray, and believe, and then joyfully make your choices without fear, that world is falling back into place around me. I wish I was more certain, all the time, of what I know to be true. I wish I didn't need a reassurance of this magnitude. And I didn't really ask for it, but then it was there. I don't think it gets much more clear than that. Maybe one day I will be like the oak tree, here outside our house in Sacramento. The one that didn't fall.
And yes, we say thank you again and again and again and again. I should say, too, that I don't mean to say that we are invincible, or that suffering will not enter our lives. Everyone dies. But the timing is God's. I hope that if suffering comes to my life I can accept it, also.
*
On another note, last week this showed up on my porch.
A grey velor maternity hoodie from Carrien. Nothing could be cozier. I've worn it every day since I opened the box. I particularly like to wear it with my brown velor pants, and then when I'm tired I just roll up into a little ball and snuggle.
Reader Comments (14)
Cute little baby belly and cute hoodie. Aren't great friends something? Especially when they surprise you with gifts?
So glad you share these wonderful life-lessons with us. They encourage more than you know. Thankful you and yours are safe and able to show all those around you the majesty of God's provision in our lives. Also rejoicing with you for the new-found relief from those dark burdens and doubts. His mercy is really unfathomable.
What a wonderful freedom you're in.
I've heard it stated that a believer in God's will is immortal until God decides that his purpose is done. I've always liked that.
so humbly falling into your destiny, your skin is thicker than you may think, you got this far right!
i want to rub your belly just looking at that picture, but i know that when i was pregnant i didn't want people just walking up to me and rubbing my belly so i would ask first.
ahh velor oak trees, and strength, great gifts,
the suffering in this life is a strength to be reconed with, something to bring you closer to God, to teach us how greatful and temporary this time we have is.
You are amazing, what joy and beaty in those woods, another door opens now.
hey mama bear - you are coming along. God is so good, in more ways than we can even fathom!
OH yay, it fits. Thanks for the picture.
OH, and if you did owe me a phone call I forgot about it so no worries. I wasn't talking about you. :)
AND more importantly, I am really glad for you that this thing happened like it did, that the darkness has slipped off your shoulders and that you are reassured.
And so glad you weren't in that house, I shudder to think about it.
"The most crushing accusation that can be made against me is that I wasn’t listening. Listening to that small voice of God’s- the one that I have been trying to follow..."
Whose business is it to judge this way? Isn't a relationship with god like all other relationships in that no one else can understand it but the people in it?
I hope there is no time or room in your life to listen to that kind of accusation, because that seems to be someone else's insecurities speaking, IMO.
You look gorgeous.
Just read your post about the trees falling on your old house, and the timing of it all, and wow. Amazing.
I love what you say about accepting suffering when God allows it. I too pray for strength whenever God finds me worthy of a trial. I'm really not very strong about it yet, but God is.
And PS (although it was my first thought when I read the post): you look fabulous!
Your belly isn't as pronounced as mine... but, I guess you're just getting started. The volunteer carpenters and everyone involved at church have been encouraged that their obedience and generosity and labor toward renovating the ark in such a rush for Mike and Julie was truly a God thing!
Beautiful post from one beautiful lady.
Wow! Your last 2 posts are stunning and profound!! (& dove-tailed with Oswald Chambers' My Utmost For His Highest for January 16) No doubts about hearing God in this!!! Keep following His call. You & your family are definitely in God's loving hands. May you have His peace and may your personal relationship with Christ continue to flourish, lovely sister with precious life growing about and within!
About the tree, WOW. I guess your not bummed out about moving now.
I am glad no people were hurt.
P.S.
I love your site, I read it everyday and I linked you on my new blog. I am not sure of the required etiquette but I hope you don't mind.
:)
Gorgeous!
"My world, the one where you pray, and believe, and then joyfully make your choices without fear, that world is falling back into place around me."
Me too. I feel like I spend too much time listening to the accusing voices around me, mostly ones that I project on other people and that they don't actually use. I am learning to step into that place of praying, trusting, and taking the next step. My last post was about that, actually. Fear can be so paralyzing. I loved how you put it.
What an amazing thing that in that huge storm God had a little piece of assurance for you, hard as it may have been to see your old home destroyed. Of all of the people who were affected by it, He was personal enough to speak to you. I like that God.