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Tuesday
Mar182008
Monday night
March 18, 2008
I had an interesting weekend. I was able to get together with some friends, right before developing a sickness that caused extreme crankiness as well as the sensation that a large person is sitting on my head.
But I mused this weekend, as much as any woman with three young children with colds can muse. I thought about life, and calling, and writing, and time. I thought about my idols- those things that I feel like I can't be happy without. I thought about dryness, and drought, and long stretches of desert. And I thought about displacement, about moving, and about the rule of displacement- how if there is too much sand in the bucket, the water cannot fill it.
I didn't mean to fill my well with sand, but I believe I have. Somehow bad habits have crept in, and I haven't been reaching my source. Habits like starting to work the minute I wake up, rather than meditating on the Words of Life and breathing prayers into the morning air. Habits like aimlessly surfing the internet. Or filling my mind with books or movies, afraid of silence, afraid of listening.
It was good to re-evaluate.
I am really afraid of change, and all my bravado can't really cover that. I'm starting to admit it. My dreams tell me, like they always do, as they show me every fear played out, and I wake up sweating and shaking. People in my dreams leave me, they get lost, they die.
But thankfully I don't live by my fear, and perfect love casts out all fear, and today has enough trouble of its own. Right?
So it's one foot in front of the other, oceans of grace, wide open spaces, hugs and kisses and phone calls, waking up to prayer, and playing with my kids.
And, of course, packing. And eating pickles. And smelling my husband's face. And vacuuming. Just life.
Thanks for your kind words, friends. Once again you witness me working it all out in my rambling way.
But I mused this weekend, as much as any woman with three young children with colds can muse. I thought about life, and calling, and writing, and time. I thought about my idols- those things that I feel like I can't be happy without. I thought about dryness, and drought, and long stretches of desert. And I thought about displacement, about moving, and about the rule of displacement- how if there is too much sand in the bucket, the water cannot fill it.
I didn't mean to fill my well with sand, but I believe I have. Somehow bad habits have crept in, and I haven't been reaching my source. Habits like starting to work the minute I wake up, rather than meditating on the Words of Life and breathing prayers into the morning air. Habits like aimlessly surfing the internet. Or filling my mind with books or movies, afraid of silence, afraid of listening.
It was good to re-evaluate.
I am really afraid of change, and all my bravado can't really cover that. I'm starting to admit it. My dreams tell me, like they always do, as they show me every fear played out, and I wake up sweating and shaking. People in my dreams leave me, they get lost, they die.
But thankfully I don't live by my fear, and perfect love casts out all fear, and today has enough trouble of its own. Right?
So it's one foot in front of the other, oceans of grace, wide open spaces, hugs and kisses and phone calls, waking up to prayer, and playing with my kids.
And, of course, packing. And eating pickles. And smelling my husband's face. And vacuuming. Just life.
Thanks for your kind words, friends. Once again you witness me working it all out in my rambling way.
Reader Comments (8)
you breathe such life into your words. thanks for the reminder to stop before the day starts, to take a moment to welcome it, i needed to hear that today.
Dear Rae,
I have yet to comment to you, though I've been reading your page for at least a month now. So, it's about time. And what a lovely post I get to comment on. Thank you ... for your honesty. Thank you for sharing even rambling, messy human thoughts in strands of beauty. Though I am not a mother of three, not even married, I resonate with these words of yours. I, too, get off-balance by all the little id-bits of life that, when taken one by one ("just a few moments surfing the web") seem harmless, but when added up, are pretty significant. And I loved the sand-water analogy you used. I wish you peace, morning prayers, a quiet heart, and still moments ... at least one. :) I will lift you up tomorrow morning as I pray. This whole internet world is wacky, huh?
Susan Barnes
p.s. dig the dreads!
A well filled with sand.
That image will stay with me a long time. I do that too. That's such a helpful way to think about it.
I've been reading along thinking about how much braver than I you are. Because I know that as much as I might want to do something, the transition always finds me terrified. I'm somewhat reassured to see that I"m not the only one who has to be brave by taking the next step, in spite of the fear and the sometimes grief over the good byes.
Oh man, it sure sucks to be sick when you're the mom. Not fun anytime, but mommies are afforded little time to be cranky, stuffy and sleepy-headed. I wish you chicken soup, hot lemony-tea and comfy blankets to snuggle under with your tissues and a good book. Here's to a quick recovery and x-tra loving from your sweet family!
Your admission to fearing change makes me wonder....do you realize how very brave you are then? How completely wonderful the grace and Holy Spirit courage with which you are walking out this journey of yours?
Thanking God for you today and His wonderful way of speaking truth to all of us through your honest, lovely words.
Hello journeymama. I've been reading your blog for a few months now and I'm always amused by how our lives often parallel each other's even though you have no idea who I am. Anyway, I am currently experiencing fear as well, although instead of being in relation to moving, my fear is based on the fact that my son's teeth are decaying. I don't know what caused this and am constantly wishing I could change the past. But what I am trying to learn is how to master the here and now. And how to KNOW that love really does conquer all and that everything is going to be Ok. I will pray that you gain stability and inner peace and if you don't mind my asking, please pray that I can heal my son's teeth.
Thank you.
Remembering to think and pray and meditate is not easy when one is responsible for the care and feeding of others.
sorry you haven't been feeling well, Rea...
a lovely post nonetheless...all such important things to put the ever-wandering attention on. I'll tell myself that my squandered time here at the end of the evening isn't exactly wasted by surfing...because I did click on your feed and read these wise, wise words.
wishing you wellness and wholeness...xo
Ohhh, I love how you write, how you think.