Open Letters: Updated

Dear Leafy,

Let's discuss this.

I understand a sweet tooth. Who wouldn't? I understand that sometimes it seems like a good idea to stand on a chair at the shelf in the kitchen and alternately eat out of the honey jar and the brown sugar jar. It's not a good idea, by the way, but I remember being small myself and thinking that a mouth full of brown sugar sounded like fun.

Also, if you're thirsty and you don't feel like going through the whole rigamarole of asking for something to drink, it's understandable that you decide to simply stand at the open fridge with a bag of milk held up in front of you, drinking every last drop that isn't running down your belly. I get that. I also get the occasional urge to go through the bananas, opening many and sampling bites. It doesn't make it any more right, but it makes sense.

However.

This eating of the raw rice? Why? I don't understand. Not at all. Please stop. It's disturbing us all. And it's messy. And weird.

Thanks,

Mom

Dear Kid A,

You cried for quite a while yesterday because Daddy was away and therefore you had no one to play chess with. I'm mystified. Let me remind you- that was your sixth birthday, not your sixteenth. Just in case there's any confusion. I mean, I don't think there is, considering the wiggling, the loud noises, and the incessant questions, but just so you know. Chess is not going anywhere. You have many years ahead of you to play a game that makes my head hurt.

I love you, mystery boy

Mama

Dear Dead Gecko,

No one saw you in that window hinge. I'm really sorry about the way you went. I hope it was instant and painless. I'll try to remind my Superstar Husband to close the windows with the lights on next time.

Alright. Um. Rest in Peace!

Rae

Dear Bread Man on a bike,

A few squeaks of the honky horn thing are surely enough to alert people to your presence. Your shift is so early; 6:30; I'm sure that either people are up and waiting for you, or desiring to be left asleep. Or at least for their children to be left asleep. Try this: just squeak! squeak! Like that.

Thanks,

Rae

Dear... um... Milkmakers,

Must you start gushing when I even think of the word baby? Show a little restraint, please! It's embarrassing. I mean, you're doing a good job, and you're totally appreciated, but not all of us moms like to be soaked all the time.

Glad we have that cleared up,

Love, the rest of the body.

Dear 1974,

I'm wearing your belted maxi-pads, in case you were missing them! They got relocated to India, whoopee! Now I can experience a little blast from the past, and everyone is happy!

Thanks,

Rae

Update:

Dear Matty,

Sorry for the references both to maxi-pads and "milk-makers" in the same post, little brother.  And... Happy birthday!

Love

Me

(Once upon a time there was a girl whose mother, sister, and brother had birthdays so close together that they were all almost twins.  Except that they were born in different years.  And then her son was born right in between these birthdays, and he became a kind of twin too.)

(New post up- Jaya Part Two- here.)

Comments

[jessie]

You crack me up.

[Renee]

I am still mourning that poor gecko ... poor, poor gecko.

[#1mama]

You are so cute - milk makers indeed. It used to be so bad for me I could barely go out for the first little while.

Thanks for sharing all that - it was very enlightening. Leafy is some kid eh? Well at least it's not the garbage anymore..... he's moved to raw rice. Do you feed him enough? Just kidding!

[SOLEIL]

Dear Dead Gecko??! Haha, that made me laugh. Poor little gecko though!

I'm really sorry you're having to use maxi-pads from the '70's! That sounds pretty bad.

The "milk-maker" situation scares me a little. Is that what's coming up for me? I've never done this pregnancy/baby thing before. I get a little freaked out about some things I'm hearing....

[gadia]

you are very good at turning all those "going crazy with my kids days" into very funny material - makes my little load feel lighter and gives me lots of laughs. god, I remember those post birth days when every body part seemed to be oozing somethin.... oy!

and I think my daughter and leafy should get together - although I cant say she's ever had the appetite for raw??? rice.

barely know you but feel like sending love your way

[Festi]

Hilarious!

I take uncooked rice in a big tupperware type container on home visits I do with very young children with delays in development. We play in it like a sandbox with small toys. Without fail each child will try to sneak a bite of the rice at some point during that visit. Some decide it's yucky and others seem to think it's a delicacy.

[Lenae]

Yep- Hilarious!

[April Alexander]

(Disclaimer - if you're a guy you will want to skip this reply most likely.) Ok, I hope you don't mind me jumping in here about your blast from the past 1974 belted maxi pads...if so, sorry! Have you ever heard of the Diva Cup? There is now no more need for tampons, maxi pads, belted maxi pads, etc. I love my Diva Cup - can't believe I ever made it through that time of the month without it. I mention this in case you want to be liberated from the '74 belted maxi...just google it and you can find out all about it's wonders. If you want one let me know and I can find a way to ship it to you - seriously, it simplifies life and living in India it could be a big help!

[Siobhan]

How funny! Two of my 3 boys ate/eat raw rice. Surviving fine, great fun when it came out the other end though! Especially when we coloured some to play with!

[Lisa]

You're funny Rae. 1974 had me laughing so hard.

[Sally]

Hi Rae,
You totally cracked me up with your previous post and with this one. I can sympathize with the milk-maker issue. When I was back to hockey practice after my first daughter was born I was feeling all tough and athletic, back on the ice, ready to roll and my teammate said 'how's the baby?' and the milk just gushed into my chest protector. I don't think that happens in the NHL. :) Love your blog.
Sally

[LisaE]

Hilarious post. The last time I nursed a babe was in 1988 and still, to this day sometimes when I hear a baby cry I feel that milk let-down feeling (no Milk) just the feeling. So wierd! I enjoy your stories. :)

[menaka.dasi]

i really like this blog because no matter what god sends ya, you see the light and humour and understand, even when it makes no sense, the rice just makes no sense,

i too had gushers when both my kids were born, literally gushing across the room, my daughter is five and i still have milk, and sometimes get leaky when i see babies, i don't get it, but its something to be greatful for i guess...

would love to send you some moon pads i sew with a gal pall, organic hemp/cotton we have purple colored ones too, and very non 1974 ish...care of "conscious creations'

oh and i thought your kid a was alergic to milk? maybe india has the best milk on earth and he just digs it, i mean DIGS into it, hee hee,

bramah muhurti is at 5 am and is the most sacred and auspicious time of day in vedic cultre, so maybe the delivery guy is praisin' god with his honks, thinking it's time for prasadam? or maybe he's just inconsiderate and horn obsessed...

oh and one more thing, i have a chess program on my mac that my kid who is 7 and a chess fanatic loves to play, it's pretty great for when no one can play with her...
namaste sacred momma

[Gina]

So funny! Thanks for the laugh.

[annie]

This post cracked me up! I can relate to so much of it...
Love your blog.

[Leaf]

Ha, your first paragraph took me straight back to the unforgettable image of Leafy being 'sprung' jamming as much as he possibly could of one of those chocolate bars we brought into his mouth.

We miss you beautiful people...but are still smiling after being with you. Can't wait to see your lovely faces again...XOXO

[gretchen from lifenut]

Hey! You are just like Margaret, Gretchen, Janie, and that other character I can never remember from "Are You There God...?"

I feel bad that India is belted.

But your post is hilarious.