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Thursday
Jan152009
Don't take this as an invitation to start throwing me negative comments...
January 15, 2009 
When I was younger, I was often afraid. I was afraid to be honest, because if I opened up the can and let people see that I was real, that I was struggling, someone would come along and stand back with their arms crossed over their chest: You've obviously got more than you can handle there, Rae. Maybe you're not the one for this job.
When I started this blog, it was a step into honesty for me. And while I didn't at first give my blog address to my closest friends, those in my community, it gradually became something that is read by many, many people who know me. All of those people have been vastly supportive of my honesty, even blessed by it, something which had repudiated those old fears. I learned a new lesson: you can share and people will love you even a little bit more, because they know that they are not alone.
So it almost made me laugh, the other day, when I received this comment to this post.
I seriously think that you all are not doing anyone any good by living where you are. Honestly, I believe that you all would be much happier living elsewhere and therefore, be more productive in everything that you are wanting to achieve personally and in realizing your shared goals. You need suffer your existance. . . you and your family could be so much more productive elsewhere. Best of luck in all your endeavors. Stay well.
Wow, right? It was a throwback to those old fears.
I don't know who the commenter is, and to me, it seems that the things that I choose to reveal on this site are not enough information to go on to form an opinion about where on this earth I should live. But the comment really got me thinking.
The thing is, you can go back in my archives (and beware, because there are buggies out there that I really need to fix, leftovers from a previous botched wordpress update that put strange symbols in my sentences) and read about sad things. You can also read about glad things. And the same goes for now: Sad things. Glad things. In fact, I'd say that my battle with Post Partum Depression is milder with Solo than it has been with any of my kids, and that is HUGE. Huge.
So, I wouldn't say that I'm less happy than I've been in other places.
I think that when you do challenging things, you make a trade. You trade one thing for another, and you may trade something like convenience or the public library for color and the rustle of coconut trees. Or deep times with friends over coffee for voices in many languages. But the circumstances that you have found yourself in cannot define who you are.
Everyone has to decide what they will spend their life looking for. I learned a few years back that happiness is a shifty creature. Happiness is not easily found, or when found, is as elusive as a jellyfish. You can't hold onto it. My emotions are all over the place, folks. Blame it on artistic temperament, genes, or maybe I'm just sulky, but I know that I cannot count on feeling a certain way for any length of time. Happiness. It's something that happens to you and then whoops! There it goes.
No, I can't follow after that. My life must take a more intentional path.
My tagline (which will be up again as soon as I get my banner up) is Cultivating Joy. We all have many things that we can cultivate, things that don't happen to us, but that we go out and water everyday, things that wrap their little shoots around their neighbors and need to be staked and cared for and checked for bugs. Like joy. Like love, thankfulness, kindness, honesty, choosing not to be offended, choosing to see the best in others, refraining from ill wishes or gossip.
What I mean is that I wouldn't use the word happy to define my life. Neither would I say that I am more productive when I am happy. I know that I am the most productive when I embrace and fully receive the truth of the unfailing love of God who made me. (Because when I do, I am not telling myself the evil mantra: you're no good, it's your fault, you will fail, and I can shut those voices out and just have fun making stuff and loving people.) I know that the words that define my life are loved, blessed, supported, sure, steady, secure, at peace, content, broken, thankful, hopeful and waiting. There are probably many more.
So then, the question of where we live? There are many things that are hard. Language barriers can be hard, especially when I would like to get to know someone a little bit more, but find that I can't because we can only speak to each other as children do. Dust can be hard, but in a silly way. Like pine needles can be hard. Being away from family and dear friends is very hard. The poverty in India and trying to figure out what to do about it is hard.
But there are things that wow! stun me. Like the Iranian friends who showed up on my porch yesterday, friends we had met in Turkey. Now, here in India, we can have them over for our meditation time and lunch together. Fazeah, the woman, wants to make lunch for us on Saturday. And let me tell you, Persian food is GOOD. So it's beautiful for my stomach, too. Or meeting a friend from San Francisco who owned the restaurant downstairs from us and now happens to be staying in the very same village that we are in. This international community is what we moved here for. As well as our community and our meditation space, which is budding like the lime tree in my yard is budding.
Then there are the kids, growing and learning and so happy and trying my patience. Like they'd be anywhere. They can find Turkey and Israel and India on an unmarked map, as well as Canada and the States, so geography is big on the learning front. And normal things, like knowing the guys at my vegetable stall, or swimming, or the lovely cows everywhere, or the herd of goats which runs through our village twice a day.
And my book, which is coming along. And Chinua's photography of the lovely Banjara people.
I am not only blessed, I am happy. At least, some of the time. So I think we'll stay.
Reader Comments (51)
I saw that comment and immediately thought - stoopid, poopy person. Which is a big deal for me as we NEVER use the word stupid...
What a closed mind and soul this person must have, not something I'd strive to be like. Where as you guys - I'd love to have half the strength and drive you guys have.
When speaking to a friend about being upset over how someone reacted to me she gave me this likkle quip, " you need to get the patch, it slowly releases approval until you realise you no longer need it and then you don't give a monkeys what other people say or think about you!!"
Jealous of the Persian food!!!
when i started my blog a year ago, i named my blog cultivating joy.
i love that tagline :)
Whenever I read your blog I am struck by how incredibly blessed you are to be able to travel and live in such a beautiful place with your family ?
I'm always amazed how people are willing to pass judgement about the way we live our lives. No one can be happy at the time. I, for one, am thankful for those, like you, who share your ups and downs. It is nice to see true humanity and honesty in this space. But, I have to tell you that I mostly read joy and love her. Even in a tough post, it seems wrapped in family and compassion. That is the blessing you give the world. Keep on keepin on, mamma.
I stumbled across your blog and have never stopped reading, because you are doing what my heart longs to do, travel, adventure, new places,while raising a family. Anyhoo, it is so disconcerting when someone comes along and rains on our parade. I try to remember to breathe in all that is good and lovely and exhale the other persons judgements right out of my life. I am blessed by your journey, the way you write about it, and your honesty. Thank you for your gift, your sharing.
What a gracious, wise response. I admire your bravery and unapologetic honesty.
thanks for this, Rae.
things that wow you....like the lady who shares mutual friends with you who shows up at your door with her 4 children, none of whom have been out of the country..We're hungry and tired and I've probably cried and said unkind words to the children...
well, we're not showing up on your doorstep anytime soon & if we were, we'd give you a little bit of warning!
Happiness is overrated. It's pure joy we're in need of.
I read each of your posts because of your talent as a writer, it's refreshing. I have found only one other blog whose author also has a skill for words and receives my full attention. While I live in a major metropolitan city in the US, I relate to you and your kids (Me - I have 3, and thinking of adding the 4th this year). When you have happy moments they make me smile (your father's b-day video was wonderful) and your frustrations can hit close to home for me, I can connect with your feelings in my very different life. Honesty is the key to your success.
Proud to call you my sister Rae. Matty showed me that comment before you wrote this and I can say I got a little fighty. I get a little soap boxy when I feel people are being mean to my family. But you handled it with the usual grace and understanding that I try each day to learn. I love you more than you might ever know.
That comment is obviously a reflection of that reader's own state of mind. They were saying "I would not be happy living in India. I would not be happy without the Public Library, and Blockbuster." Or "How can you be happy in India? How do you make it without the Public Library, and Blockbuster?!"
I think you're doing amazingly well, especially with the PPD, which I went through 3 times myself, and which is hellacious to say the least.
I totally think Sheryl is right, and I would like to say that I want to give the commenter the benefit of the doubt (BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT! SERENITY NOW! GRACE!) by assuming she meant... get yourself off of the hook. And I meant for this post to mean, I don't think I'm on the hook. That's all.
Also, if it's doubtful that anyone can live without the Public Library, it's me. I'm the one who reserves and takes out four times as many books as she can, JUST IN CASE SHE RUNS OUT OF SOMETHING TO READ. Which is an emergency.
But, I find that right now, I have almost no time to read, so it's not as big of a deal.
Hey Rae, why don't you write a post in your comment section?
Why thank you, I think I will.
since i can remember, i have told people- "one day, my family will up & move to india". my husband traveled to goa in 2005 & came back saying, "jen is right, one day- we will live there." we say things like, "before our next child comes" or "after all our kids come" or "when we are done paying off this loan" or. or. or.
I chanced upon your blog months ago and emailed it to my husband and said, "look- they are DOING it!"
You, and your honesty, are inspiring. Ive been brought to tears, i have laughed, and i have been filled with joy reading your words.
It never occurred to ME that there would be anywhere else in the entire world more fitting your family's beauty- than india.
sorry for the long comment- but i felt compelled to tell you- that your truths matter...a lot.
thank you.
I came across your blog a few months ago and now it's part of my regular reading. I think you guys are brave and smart to be living in such a faraway place and showing your kids such amazing parts of the world. But even if you lived in the dumpster in my alley, I'm sure your writing would still be worth reading! So keep on being honest and true to yourself and your journey will always be worth reading- ups, downs and everything in between.
I love where you are and I love that you love it. I am stilling hoping for a day that we can come and visit and experience this wonderful place that you are. And, I am here in the states and I have very hard days and there is nothing that is going to change that. Love you guys.
Like Jen, who commented earlier, our family dreams of doing what you are doing...just living our funny little life in India. I find your blog so refreshing, authentic, honest, real, encouraging even amongst the sad stuff, funny...it's a buzz to see it appear on my screen when I'm having my morning coffee. I often say to my hubby "You know, THAT family that lives in India?!" and share what you've said or Chinua's photos. We all gathered around the computer to watch you and the kids walk through your village...my kids LOVED it! Your sister in Him.
life with four kids is hard anywhere. For heavens sake, how many years did you and Chinua talk about going back to India? And you are giving your kids such a rich upbringing. What you are doing is really special.
I think that a commentbox always reveals more about the commenter than about the blogger.
I could say a lot of things, but I will refrain for the sake of decency! You are a very strong person, and in my opinion that strength intimidates people at times..."people" who, shall we say, can't even start to imagine your reality. If they knew even half of the joy you experience they would be totally over whelmed...and I hope they are able to have that chance in their life time. I have known you guys for a long time now, and I have never seen you so effective, productive, peaceful, confident and giving! Thank you for sharing a small fraction of your life here.
I love you, and so appreciate your honesty. And I'm so thankful you are there, in India, with your precious family. Keep on keeping on my friend!
i like the part about choosing not to be offended, i try to live my life like that, not to allow offenses to happen or to be offended, live in kindness, love god, serve god, and know that everything is temporary, it is the nature of this life, but our soul is eternal,
i love your truth, your path is inspiring, and i wish to meet you on it one day,
for now this is a fine meeting place as any, it's like a majik portal...
know that you are loved and i feel blessed to whitness your creation and cultivation...
we have a saying : aspiring to cultivate bhakti, or devotion to the supreme lord,
and yeah Persian food is sooooo good, i remember as a kid my auntie and uncle who are Bahai's surrounded me in Persian culutre, food, feasts and family,
and the part about happiness is like a jellyfish, so so great! because we are all searching for that happiness, but it is slippery, sometimes i hear in hindu philosophy that there is no happiness in this material world, and sometimes i think that the only real happiness is in serving god, and serving god's children, whatever it is that we are looking for, it is surely to be found if we stay true to ourselves and find that honesty that is trying so hard to peep through the many layers of illusion...
love you girl
I guess all I want to add is that there are always people around who think that they have the RIGHT to comment on your life, or what you need to change about your life, or how you are handling things, etc. You were gracious in your reaction and that is huge. It's like when you start a church plant and you're trying to get a church going. All these people show up and they seem to think that just because the church is small and starting to grow that they can tell you how to run it, and that you're doing this wrong and this wrong.
You're living your dream right now, and that's really important! Love you,
It can be so hard for others to accept that a journey is not wrong or out of God's will just because it is not easy or, in fact, even traverses some very rough ground. Just as some are blessed by honesty and the gracious liberty it can bring to those who encounter it, there are still some who are just too uncomfortable with the emotion or the concept that "happiness", comfort and convenience are not always what we serve. They feel the need to fix, judge, correct. That's when we can get burned.
I'm on a rough-but-right road in life now and not long ago got burned by honesty in relationship with a whole group in a big and extremely painful way.
I'm constantly amazed by the willingness of so many of us humans to look at an extremely complex situation and the nuances of a persons life from the outside-- when we don't understand even a fraction of what's going on-- and pass judgement, expressing strong opinions about what another person's major life decisions ought to be.
I'm so thankful that none of us are created exactly alike, that we are not all given the same path to follow, and for the infinite ways that God can direct and use us to fulfill his unfathomable purposes. Best that we accept it, make room for it, and make sure that WE ourselves our on the unique path set out for us-- not just the one that seems right according to strictly conventional human thought.
I've learned to be just slightly more discerning about where and when I reveal myself, but I won't be deterred by a few burns. You responded so beautifully to this comment, and I encourage you to continue in the honesty and uniquely ordained path that you've been sharing with us here.
"Happiness is not easily found, or when found, is as elusive as a jellyfish. You can’t hold onto it. My emotions are all over the place, folks. Blame it on artistic temperament, genes, or maybe I’m just sulky, but I know that I cannot count on feeling a certain way for any length of time. "
This is EXACTLY how I feel. Only my words jumblybubbly as my grandmother would say. Yours are well tailor-made for anyone who has a beating heart. Makes me want to share (honestly) in ways I haven't before. Mind if I borrow this? I'll credit you, of course.
Again, I feel like a part of my heart was written on your pages. Can I post your post (with all acknowledgements going where necessary)? Really, lovely.
Thank-you! Thanks for letting me join in your journey! Today I doubted, I doubted I could do this, and you have encouraged me!