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Monday
May102010
On my 30th birthday
May 10, 2010 
Last night I sat in a wood fired hot tub with my husband. It was overcast, so we couldn't see the stars, but we knew they were there.
A single flame of a candle, in a glass-paned lantern, bowed to us. It waved, and bowed, and bowed again. I was touched, to say the least. It was the last night of my first thirty years of life. The small flame saluted those years and looking up and out into the sky, I felt, like I often do, the magnitude and tininess of earth, of the world and all my small years.
If we weren't held down, we could just fly off. But we are held down, by a force greater than us, and millions of miles away, brilliant orbs swirl and dust the universe with beauty that we will never see. I am made to be here. I fit this place. Earth.
Coming here to Humboldt County is another homecoming. I used to live in Northern Mendocino, which we practically considered to be Humboldt, because we drove north, over the line, for every little thing. We left that land, and that river, not without tears, (Many, many tears) because it was the beginning of a deep healing that was carving its way into my bones. Carving into bone may not sound like healing, but I need Jesus words to be corkscrewed into every calcium-fortified surface.
Whether I believe it or not, I am made. Breath of God sustains me. I am held up and loved and the hand of God gently cups the crown of my head. I am not too high-strung or sensitive or anxious to be loved by him. I stand on the hill of his regard and the whole universe spins before me. I have been cast down, but I am lifted.
Soon after we left this place, our house was crushed by falling trees in the middle of the night. We learned then not to doubt the path that God has laid for us, not to look back. We learned also, that dangerous things can happen in safe places. Do not imagine that you can pad your life, that gentle voice said. We were justified in our faith, in our decision to leave.
Now we are visiting friends who have made space for us. It is a second home, a fourth home, a sixteenth home. Being welcome here has eased the sting of leaving.
I went away and found more healing. I found that I could get through fear and love a foreign place more than I ever imagined. I found that jungle sings inside of me, even as much as forest. I didn't know that was possible.
I found that earth is mine in a way that I didn't know before, and it has nothing to do with ownership, with citizenship. I can't really own anything, can I? I went away and left everything I thought I had owned, and found new life through loving things that have nothing to do with my place of birth. The universe is spinning, and I love the farthest galaxies. I am allowed.
One thing that my faith teaches is that we are adopted by God. Not only servants (though that too) or devotees (though we are in fact devoted) but adopted children. It means that in loving the farthest galaxies, I am loving something that will in fact be mine one day, loving it in longing, but in the most respectful and honoring way, owning it. Now is the same as later, in essence. This is what the Prodigal Son did not understand, and neither did his older brother. All that I have has always been yours.
I own nothing, and even tomorrow is not guaranteed. These first thirty years have been adventurous and fiscally strange. Things are always dicey when you are surrounded by trees in a windstorm. But I love these leaves and grasses like brothers. The flowers in these fields stand on the hill of their Creator's regard. Jesus pointed to them, when he was telling the people of his care for them. Oh these cherished small things.
I went away from here, and then I poured my love for this place into a book. My friend told me a story, and that story ignited something inside of me, and I took all that longing for a place of my own and put it into words that immortalized something about the beginning of healing. It exorcised my grief, and taught me that we don't lose things, really, just like we don't lose our childhoods. The children that we were stay inside of us, and so do the places that we've been.
Reader Comments (23)
Wow. Just beautiful. I love the imagery in your writing...
.-= lagata´s last blog ..http://lagata-adayinthelife.blogspot.com/2010/05/post-it-tuesday.html" rel="nofollow">Post-it Tuesday =-.
Wow, this is amazing. What a talent you have, to be able to express yourself so beautifully through words! Happy Birthday (yesterday?) : )
.-= ashley´s last blog ..http://ashjasb.blogspot.com/2010/05/thumbs-up-guys.html" rel="nofollow">Thumbs up, guys =-.
Happy Birthday Rae. It sounds like you had a lovely celebration. God is good, isn't He.
Lovely. As usual. The part about adoption resonates with me in a special way right now.... It's an amazing truth, isn't it?
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..http://longingforlillie.blogspot.com/2010/04/beach-pics.html" rel="nofollow">Beach Pics =-.
BEAUTIFUL rae...and have a blessed birthday!
.-= Susanna´s last blog ..http://queenbeephotography.blogspot.com/2010/05/to-all-mamas.html" rel="nofollow">To all the Mamas: =-.
Beautiful . . .
Just curious; Is your birthday the 8th? If so, I cannot help but be intrigued and say "HHhhhhmmmmmm . . ."
for my birthday is May 8th. The person who was a major influence (spiritual mentor) in my life shared the same birthday. He has gone home now (over 10 years ago) to be with Jesus and a lot of what you write reminds me of him!
Thanks for the sharing!
.-= Michael´s last blog ..http://pioneerseer.blogspot.com/2010/05/womans-voice.html" rel="nofollow">The Woman's Voice =-.
Happy belated birthday Rachel! I love what you wrote about us all being adopted by God. It's so true, yet we forget it so easily. I am looking even more forward to your book after what you wrote about it!
.-= April Alexander´s last blog ..http://thequadshot.blogspot.com/2010_05_01_archive.html#5340211898830795811" rel="nofollow">My Mother's Day Present =-.
Happy thirty first year Rae!
Beautiful writting as always.
Thankyou for that awesome post.
I wish i could just sit and listen to all the thoughts and beliefs that you have because they deeply inspire me. When you said that we dont actually own anything.....Soooo true, i have to contantly remind myself of that!
and this last sentence : ' The children that we were stay inside of us, and so do the places that we’ve been.' really hit the spot for me because i've been reflecting alot on childhood memories and the places i grew up in and you just reminded me that its all still there and not lost.
I think that you might be helping me clear up doubts that i have about faith
Yea so thankyou :)
my jaw is on my lap. beautiful as always, rachel :)
"the children that we were stay inside of us, and so do the places that we’ve been." i like that. Its freeing, because i want to be everywhere, but i fall in love with places and it feels like my heart is left in pieces all over the planet. You put it in a way that isn't painful, but rather lovely....
.-= shauna´s last blog ..http://brightorangeflowers.blogspot.com/2010/05/like-ocean.html" rel="nofollow">Like the Ocean. =-.
I love the part about owning nothing because we all strive to own as that seems to be the North American dream....you've come a long way baby! You thrown off the things that have weighed you down, and are moving on, learning so much more.
Your words overwhelmed me! Good stuff Rachel
Candle lit hot tub...swoon....
.-= Jobee´s last blog ..http://mentaliscious.blogspot.com/2010/05/one-with-reason-i-love-all-australians.html" rel="nofollow">The one with the reason I love all Australian's AKA a trip back to 1997 =-.
Happy birthday dear Rae!
.-= Eleanor´s last blog ..http://eleanorfromthecommentbox.blogspot.com/2010/04/sewjourn.html" rel="nofollow">Sewjourn =-.
This...I love. Happy birthday <3
.-= Emily´s last blog ..http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/TheDomesticZoo/~3/uktKKQE3igE/" rel="nofollow">BABIES – Official Trailer [HD] =-.
Happy Birthday (a day late, sorry). And about this post, yes. Just, yes.
.-= edj´s last blog ..http://planetnomad.wordpress.com/2010/05/08/adventures-in-feminine-pampering/" rel="nofollow">Adventures in Feminine Pampering =-.
What can I say that's not been already said by other commenters.
Your writing is amazing, inspiring, light as a feather yet powerful with meaning.
Happy brithday Rae, I am only a few days away from mine but I could only wish to have your way with words, with the world, with people, with God.
Thank you.
Rae, I've been reading, lurking, and praying for you and your family for a very long time. Thanks so much for sharing your journey with us; it is a joy to read your words and see your love for our Creator. I so look forward to reading your book someday.
Many happy returns! Your writing makes me think, breathe deeply and appreciate how blessed I am, too.
.-= green girl in Wisconsin´s last blog ..http://melissawestemeier.blogspot.com/2010/05/take-moment.html" rel="nofollow">take a moment =-.
Well, my love, you seem to have gained some wisdom the last 3 decades. I love this post, especially the reminder "All the I have has always been yours".
I love you. Happy birthday, again. :)
.-= carrien (she laughs at the days)´s last blog ..http://shelaughsatthedays.blogspot.com/2010/05/in-need-of-mercy.html" rel="nofollow">In Need of Mercy =-.
ommm my goddess!!! i love this post.. it has been too long since i read your words.. happy belated birthday.. blessings !!!
i love what you said we are not just devotees though devoted.. we are adopted children.... children of god..
Happy Birthday dear friend. (a day late)
.-= blackbird´s last blog ..http://blackbird17.blogspot.com/2010/05/annual.html" rel="nofollow">annual =-.
Rae, wishing you a late, but sweet, happy 30th birthday. This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read.
.-= Sam´s last blog ..http://sundayschoolrebel.typepad.com/sundayschoolrebel/2010/05/mothers-day-weekend-part-two.html" rel="nofollow">mother's day weekend, part two =-.
I know this is belated, but happy birthday :-) I just celebrated my 30th this month and have been feeling very emotional about it. Reading this entry makes me feel very peaceful. I love your journal so very much. Thank you for being so open and honest and thoughtful. It reminds me to be the same.
Wishing you happiness on your ongoing adventures :-)
-allison