I pin things here.
I write short things here.
My author page is here.
My photos are here.
I talk about books here.
Monday
Jun282010
Turning on its axis
June 28, 2010 
I am looking for hymns everywhere, because now more than ever I need a song in my mouth.
Everyone who wants to be a superhero thinks that he or she will be able to swim upstream, against the deafening flow of the current, away from the direction we are all being taken, not entirely within our will.
I find myself leaning against depression and being overwhelmed by this culture. Instead of making conversation, I am mute in public. Just swept along. Just in that loneliest herd; all the cars on the freeway. I thought I could swim against the current, but it turns out that the swell was so big that it tossed me deep into the earth. It is so different here, so different from the small space I found for myself among a billion people in India.
My own bent toward melancholy is something I march against every day of my life. I am deeply joyful and deeply sad. Disturbed. It's why I can't watch disturbing movies, there is too much under there that is already roiled and seething.
So I've been walking. Okay, Rae, maybe it was too much to think you could be a superhero, but how about taking a walk everyday?
Okay.
On the first night there were the donkeys. And then the second time, in a different town, I walked to the beach and there they were. Pelicans.
And oh how they dove. Oh I wish I could dive like that, throw myself toward the water and cut into it until it pours off and I take flight again. They were incredible. I sat and watched them for a long while, sat in the sand beside the platter of a moon and watched them dive, and dive, and dive.
The night before last I went walking to the beach again, and this time there were no pelicans, but it was okay because my heart was already thrumming with the music of the Brazilian drum troupe that somehow had appeared on the sand. Why so many Brazilian people were gathered on the beach, playing drums and dancing, I'm not sure. (Maybe something to do with the World Cup?) All I know is that it was another step into reorienting myself in the world. I danced a little, just a little. I sat and smiled into the waves. I sat and smiled and smiled.
We are a gathering people. We need connection. We need to stop the current of isolation, to swim against it with all the power our little fat, torn up salmon bodies have. Or dive into it, cut through it and feel it falling off of us.
There is such a huge difference between solitude and isolation. Solitude is something you seek, to find rest and quiet within yourself, to be with God. Isolation is a lack of ability to touch or hear anyone around you. It is a scary place.
It doesn't mean that we don't need time to walk, to muse, to watch pelicans and pat little knee-high donkeys on their heads. To speak with God to say thank you and i love you i love you again and again. And help me, because i don't know where exactly i am. Because it has nothing to do with isolation, it has to do with the reorientation with that we need, to hear the earth and the heartbeat of God.
The current doesn't even touch Him.
Reader Comments (16)
You make me speechless! (which is truly a miracle)
This post resonates with me- I've been where you are right now. thank you for putting it into words.
I don't remember how I found your blog- but I've been enjoying and lurking with your words and pictures for several months. This is one of the most beautiful posts I've read. Not helpless or hopeless-not full of false joy- it just is what it is. And when I go to the ocean next month I am going to try imagine myself as a pelican. Thank you so much
.-= sophanne´s last blog ..http://beckyknitstoo.blogspot.com/2010/06/sesame-street.html" rel="nofollow">Sesame Street =-.
Again and again you capture, combine and write down words of deepest feeling. Ah-maz-ing!
I have always found that nature nurtures. I often seek solitude out in the open to fill up on energy, which I then generously distribute among the people surrounding me. It quite feels like I am a sort of serving hatch...
.-= Flowtops´s last blog ..http://www.flowtops.com/2010/06/dog-sniffing-stone.html" rel="nofollow">Dog Sniffing Stone =-.
if you were in my part of the globe, you could have a cup of tea with my friend Kate, and you would feel at home in the world again..
.-= kim´s last blog ..http://kimberlymoore.wordpress.com/2010/06/29/everyone-should-know-kate/" rel="nofollow">Everyone should know Kate =-.
I always admire pelicans. We have many here and they are a beauty to watch.
As always, thank you for your beautiful perfect words.
Beautiful Rae. Thank you. This was a perfect devotion for me today.
I appreciate your distinction between solitude and isolation.. I read something very similar in one of Henri Nouwen's works.
It's so true--isolation and solitude and how our culture SO effectively isolates us.
.-= green girl in Wisconsin´s last blog ..http://melissawestemeier.blogspot.com/2010/06/i-spy.html" rel="nofollow">i spy =-.
Travelling a lot can be isolating, even when you are reaching out to your favorite people. Try to do one thing at a time (a major feat for a mother) . Multitastking all the time can fry ya! You are so beautiful, and I love how you do what you do.
.-= Mountain´s last blog ..http://iamnotamountain.blogspot.com/2010/06/have-little-faith-there-is-magic-in.html" rel="nofollow">Have A Little Faith There is Magic In The Night =-.
Beautiful post Rae. Lyrical and haunting. Sometimes though, disturbed as I am, I crave isolation. Alone in my box where no one can touch me, drain me, hurt me. Isolated I find rest and solitude in Him. I find that isolation is something I choose occasionally to help my sanity. I may be crazy, but hopefully not too crazy, to be some earthly good. :-)
.-= tj´s last blog ..http://theranchonsalmoncreek.blogspot.com/2010/06/for-those-of-you-squeamish-dont-look.html" rel="nofollow">Pregnancy Check =-.
I just stumbled upon your blog through the comments on Catherine Newman's blog, and oh, it was like finding the most wonderful gift! I read some of your older posts, about when you lived in the redwoods, and I just fell in love with your writing. I grew up in Humboldt County ,and lived there for a bit as an adult. I'm looking forward to exploring a little more on your site.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
.-= Rose´s last blog ..http://stilllifewithroses.blogspot.com/2010/06/short-story-sunday-gloves.html" rel="nofollow">Short Story Sunday- The Gloves =-.
Beautiful post. Could you please tell me about the gorgeous photo- settings, etc.?
Hi Rae, thank you so much for your beautiful blog. You write like a dream. I've lived in India for the last 19 years with my family, our first home was in Goa for 6 months. I've been following your blog on and off for the last few months and I can't tell you how inspired I have been and how connected I feel to all that you're saying. Thank you again.
.-= Zoe´s last blog ..http://pilgrimchild.blogspot.com/2010/07/professional-goodbyes-and-other-travel.html" rel="nofollow">Professional goodbyes and other travel observations =-.
Thankyou! I've been away from the internet for a while and I am catching up on your posts. This is always a joy for me when I haven't been on for a while. I can not watch disturbing movies. Bless you :)