Definitely Sitting Today

Today I slipped into feeling a little sorry for myself. A little like, I'm going to die because this wound in my neck hurts and it itches like crocodile pants and my daughter just punched me right smack in the middle of it. Everywhere I went (because I stupidly went into public places today) I was sure that people were staring at me and thinking that I was a psycho drug addict. Did you see 28 days and the guy who gave himself a tracheotomy? I thought that they were assuming that I was like that guy. I became a little suspicious. I thought everyone felt sorry for me. I wore this scarf around my neck so that people wouldn't have to look at my unpleasant two inch gash, but it bothered me, so I kept taking it off, and then putting it back on because I felt people looking. Plotting how to get me back into the mental ward.

Why didn't you just stay home, you may be wondering. Because I guess I never know when enough is enough. And I thought that all I had to worry about was my energy level, which actually hasn't been all that bad. I didn't realize that after surgery I would feel so vulnerable, that I would feel like hiding. I feel opened up and exposed. The cool thing is, I've realized a little more, once again, that the community I live with feels like a family. Because I'm not afraid to be around them. It's funny, we went out together today, went to a church we don't usually go to, visited, had a very California style Mexican potluck. We hung out and small-talked with the people around us. But we also huddled together a bit, kind of like penguins. I think we just like each other's company. That's what being a family is like.

It's not totally natural. It's not that we're all that alike. I think it's just the fact that when you work and toil away and live with people you begin to wear different grooves into each other until you're a bit like a big puzzle. There are so many friends that I have like this, all around the world, who I've lived with and worked with. We've worn grooves into each other. We fit together in ways that feel empty when we're apart. It's sad. I miss those friends.

But it's good to know that there are a lot of folks out there that I wouldn't mind feeling ugly around. More than a few people have actually seen me break down and freak out. Some people are watching me so close to breaking down right now, when the stress of having a new baby and waiting for important test results are getting to me. When I can't move my head properly and everything hurts and it's driving me crazy.

I remember about seven years ago I heard someone say that life is made up of sitting and standing. Maybe most of the time you are standing, but sometimes you just have to sit down for a while. And having close friends and a strong community is about the seamlessness that happens when other people can stand up for you while you're sitting. Everyone has their times when they are unable to stand. It's so beautiful to have friends who will be standing around you, especially when you are just sitting there in the dirt, watching ants and eating grass, waiting for your knees to stop shaking.