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Tuesday
Feb062007
Falling apart and coming back together
February 6, 2007
Yesterday I fell apart. Limbs were dropping hither and thither, it was crazy. I still haven't found my right arm.
Why are women like waves? Why the drama? My Superstar Husband can cruise along for months without the slightest bit of drama, his emotional path is a solid line to the horizon. I don't understand the point of my ups and downs. As soon as I even think that I'm in the clear, BAM, I'm knocked down by the sheer intensity of my discouragement. The huge and pervasive piece of logic in my head is, "I don't think I can do this." And so, I fall apart.
Because who wants to spend their life doing something they'll never succeed at? Doesn't this seem like the ultimate road to insanity? And this is what gets me, this voice in my head throughout my day that tells me I'm not doing anything at the standard that I want. I think the problem might be my standards, as well as that stupid voice. (Shut UP, voice!)
A good thing about these waves is that I am forced to take stock. Often I am speeding along in my little path, not noticing all of the bad information that clings to me like barnacles. It's time for some picking off of the barnacles. I realize that I begin to measure everything with a little measuring stick, how clean my house is, how much work I get done in a day, and then when things crash in on me I look at my stick with new eyes and I'm amazed by this stick. Where did I find it? How did it make its way into my hand? What does this flipping stick have to do with dreams anyways?Â
Because dreams are very important, and dreams are not standards that crush you. I think the Bible is full of dreams, although it is often used as a stick.  I believe that a lot of people are afraid of something as beautiful as these holy words because they're using them as another stick in their lives, and let me tell you people, they will never measure up.  And thus, we are afraid of living our whole lives through, never being the thing we are trying to be. Insanity.
Last night I had my first flying dream ever. I think that it was the glimmer that started the thoughts behind this post, because although I've heard of people talking about dreams of flying, I have never actually flown. In my dream I was walking and suddenly the horizon dropped beneath me and at first I had no idea about what was going on.  But I was flying, and I've never had such a wonderful dream.  Never.  During the rest of it, I was trying to show other people that I could fly.  And there we were, trudging along our own dusty paths until we were lifted suddenly above it all.
I think that this another way to look at the Bible. Here I am, walking on this dirty road and I read some words, words something like these: "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others as more significent than yourselves,"* and these words are like my feet being lifted from under me, like that rush of air on my face. Do you see how they are dreams of a different world?  How beautiful, a place where we generously bestow significance on one another rather than clinging to it for ourselves. Where we are never rivals. If I make these words into a measuring stick which I beat myself with, I lose the dream, the one which will ultimately change me. These words lift me, rather than popping me on the head and forcing me back down.
When we dream, we walk into large fields where anything is possible. Where a world without rivalry or conceit in our hearts exists. This is at the heart of meditation, I think. We lift our eyes from what we are, we drop the stick, and we dream true dreams of what we actually desire, which is real love, real beauty, and this we find in God. It is a very restful thing to realize that all of the things we so desperately want are found in one Being. There is a place where these dreams are true, which is why we are not stupid for still dreaming.Â
This morning, trying to pick myself back up from yesterday's mud, I wrote for a while in my journal trying to work a new pattern of thinking into my brain, and this is a little of what I wrote.
Today is a day when I can be meditative instead of frantic, rhythmic instead of chaotic, positive instead of negative, loving instead of resentful, and a wise child instead of an immature adult. Today is a day in the forest, a day of sweet breezes, a day of clean laundry. Today is a day to settle accounts, to make things balance, to check a few things off of my list. Today is a day to laugh with my kids, to notice them, to call them out. Today is a day to knit with my friends, to listen to words of wisdom, to make bridges between our hearts. Today is a day to reach out, and a day to rest in near silence. Today anything can happen.
This is another way of listing out the things I need to do, my routines, my cleaning, my office work, taking care of my children.  I could make a list like a slave driver, and forget the holy ground that I stand on, but I don't want to live that way anymore. Unfortunately I need to be reminded ten thousand times that it doesn't work.Â
Another way to say what I wrote might be, "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you."
*Philippians 2:3
Why are women like waves? Why the drama? My Superstar Husband can cruise along for months without the slightest bit of drama, his emotional path is a solid line to the horizon. I don't understand the point of my ups and downs. As soon as I even think that I'm in the clear, BAM, I'm knocked down by the sheer intensity of my discouragement. The huge and pervasive piece of logic in my head is, "I don't think I can do this." And so, I fall apart.
Because who wants to spend their life doing something they'll never succeed at? Doesn't this seem like the ultimate road to insanity? And this is what gets me, this voice in my head throughout my day that tells me I'm not doing anything at the standard that I want. I think the problem might be my standards, as well as that stupid voice. (Shut UP, voice!)
A good thing about these waves is that I am forced to take stock. Often I am speeding along in my little path, not noticing all of the bad information that clings to me like barnacles. It's time for some picking off of the barnacles. I realize that I begin to measure everything with a little measuring stick, how clean my house is, how much work I get done in a day, and then when things crash in on me I look at my stick with new eyes and I'm amazed by this stick. Where did I find it? How did it make its way into my hand? What does this flipping stick have to do with dreams anyways?Â
Because dreams are very important, and dreams are not standards that crush you. I think the Bible is full of dreams, although it is often used as a stick.  I believe that a lot of people are afraid of something as beautiful as these holy words because they're using them as another stick in their lives, and let me tell you people, they will never measure up.  And thus, we are afraid of living our whole lives through, never being the thing we are trying to be. Insanity.
Last night I had my first flying dream ever. I think that it was the glimmer that started the thoughts behind this post, because although I've heard of people talking about dreams of flying, I have never actually flown. In my dream I was walking and suddenly the horizon dropped beneath me and at first I had no idea about what was going on.  But I was flying, and I've never had such a wonderful dream.  Never.  During the rest of it, I was trying to show other people that I could fly.  And there we were, trudging along our own dusty paths until we were lifted suddenly above it all.
I think that this another way to look at the Bible. Here I am, walking on this dirty road and I read some words, words something like these: "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others as more significent than yourselves,"* and these words are like my feet being lifted from under me, like that rush of air on my face. Do you see how they are dreams of a different world?  How beautiful, a place where we generously bestow significance on one another rather than clinging to it for ourselves. Where we are never rivals. If I make these words into a measuring stick which I beat myself with, I lose the dream, the one which will ultimately change me. These words lift me, rather than popping me on the head and forcing me back down.
When we dream, we walk into large fields where anything is possible. Where a world without rivalry or conceit in our hearts exists. This is at the heart of meditation, I think. We lift our eyes from what we are, we drop the stick, and we dream true dreams of what we actually desire, which is real love, real beauty, and this we find in God. It is a very restful thing to realize that all of the things we so desperately want are found in one Being. There is a place where these dreams are true, which is why we are not stupid for still dreaming.Â
This morning, trying to pick myself back up from yesterday's mud, I wrote for a while in my journal trying to work a new pattern of thinking into my brain, and this is a little of what I wrote.
Today is a day when I can be meditative instead of frantic, rhythmic instead of chaotic, positive instead of negative, loving instead of resentful, and a wise child instead of an immature adult. Today is a day in the forest, a day of sweet breezes, a day of clean laundry. Today is a day to settle accounts, to make things balance, to check a few things off of my list. Today is a day to laugh with my kids, to notice them, to call them out. Today is a day to knit with my friends, to listen to words of wisdom, to make bridges between our hearts. Today is a day to reach out, and a day to rest in near silence. Today anything can happen.
This is another way of listing out the things I need to do, my routines, my cleaning, my office work, taking care of my children.  I could make a list like a slave driver, and forget the holy ground that I stand on, but I don't want to live that way anymore. Unfortunately I need to be reminded ten thousand times that it doesn't work.Â
Another way to say what I wrote might be, "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you."
*Philippians 2:3
Reader Comments (11)
May I have permission to print out your journal entry and clip it to my day planner? Seriously. What beautiful words!
I dream that I can run. (I walk just fine, but running would be a form of torture, not pleasure!) I haven't dreamed this in a long time--now, I want to! In these dreams, I am racing and not getting winded or sore. I just go and go and go, over the hills and through the woods :-) Thanks for reminding me that dreams are important and necessary for our growth.
Sometimes when I have those kind of days and those tapes going through my mind, I have to take time out, just crawl up into that big ol' rocking chair that Lily Tomlin used to sit in and I climb up beside my heavenly Father, (often with my blankie) and we just rock and rock and it's sooo good!
You're right - its the place of peace, with no judgment, and its the place where there are no comparisons between us and others. It's the place where there is no measuring stick, because He knows who we are and what we are. It's the place of complete acceptance by our Father.
You're awesome, and the tapes are all lies, lies! Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, ....dwell on these things. Mankind has had difficulty with thought patterns always. Meditation on Him surely brings peace!
The other verse that I find incredibly hard - Phil. 3:12
Is this the nicest blog i've ever read? Ever? Yes. I feel so glad to be your friend, to know that your web log exists and to read it often. I can't say how todays entry makes me feel, its a little like rushing on coffee, an excited jumpy feeling inside. Rachel! Your refreshing light on Gods word is good good good.
Wow. I feel honored to have read this. God is so good and puts things in our lives just when we need to hear them. I needed to hear/read this. Thank you.
This is just what I needed today. I have thought that as moms we should be encouraging each other more than we do and this is just that. I nice bit of encouragment. I am going to memorize the last verse. I need that to be in my memory. I hope you have a flying day.
Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing it.
Thank you for your encouraging words! Re-evaluating my "stick" is something I'm trying to do right now, too.
Beautiful, beautiful words. Thank you. Yes, comparison is such a bad habit. There are days when I wish I could get my hands on the Proverbs 31 woman so as to beat her senseless! What keeps me grounded is the knowledge that the God Who Sees Me is not holding me up to her in comparison...or anyone else for that matter. Sometimes in my dreams I fly too and that "butterfly in the stomach" feeling that I hate so much in real life only brings joy and exhilaration instead of fear and dread. I'm learning that to abide I have to be better at trusting. Easy to say hard to do.
ahhhhh how sweet and soothing.....
your momma is amazing, your sisters are wonderful, we are all blessed to share our thoughts and insights,
i feel in some way privilaged to share this everwell wishing love you all share,
i don't mean to compare, but rather be aware,that so many souls out there may not feel or hear of god's love as often as we need, it's like a ripple effect when we share these insights, or tales, we are all gaining, and passing that lamp light of hope on and on...
i pray for grace,
love and more unconditional non judgmental love,
i meditate on this:)
i imagine flying as a symbolic meaning of letting go, maybe you are allowing your spirit to let go of it's conditioning and mundane expectations or percieved limitations...
i sense the presence of god in everyones sweet sharing,
thanks so much :)
It's a shame we turn the Bible into a stick when it's really a light. We could shine it on Jesus more so folks could see Him clearly instead of using it to measure them or beat them over the head with. (I should have saved that one for a post of my own!)
This right here's just a plain ol' great post. I might have to add you to my blogroll or something.
I think I'll bookmark this and read it again and again. Really speaks to my heart. My heart language. Remembering to dream.