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Tuesday
Mar202007
The nature of battle
March 20, 2007
I can't really explain what is going on with me right now, except that it is deep and swimmy and a little froggy. Does that help? I am encouraged and overwhelmed all at once.
Maybe I can just let you know some factoids. Sketch a little picture, so that you can put it together.
I drove some of my friends to the airport yesterday. We drove down to Sacramento on Saturday, then I dropped them off at the curb early Monday morning. It's the first step to them moving away from the Land, which makes me very sad. I'm happy for them, but sad for me. Yesterday, as I was sitting at my friend's cafe, my sadness punched me in the gut when she said, "this is good for them, hey"? and I laid my head on her bar counter and cried. I wanted to pull myself together, only there seemed to be nothing to pull together. Over the last two years I have lived through a slow attrition of a community that was tighter than anything I've ever been part of, (I'm being starkly honest here) and though we have hope of rebuilding, it is hard to say goodbye to people when you've seen each other married, give birth, walked through foreign corridors together...
I feel as though pieces of me are trickling away, as people move away. I invested too much in my friends, I guess. I don't know how to grieve this properly, I waver between hope and belief and bitterness and a kind of flinging my hands around my head.Â
It is NOT all about me. I know. This is about a whole village, the movement and shape of a group of people who have grown and walked together, and I see God's shape in it. He is a great orchestrator, an author. Our stories continue. But, I feel hurt. I feel left, out here in the woods, where the trees are always tall, where light is green and golden, alternately. I go back and forth, reminding myself of all that I have to be thankful for, and then feeling forgotten and used up.
So. That is one thing.Â
Another? Well, I have these kids, see, and I know that you know that. But, boy. I love them to death, and I'm also feeling a little overwhelmed by how much they need me. An ebb, if you will. I know you understand.
Also? God is reawakening my heart for the world. Seeing that speech of Bono's happened at a pretty key time for me. Everything seems centered around this. All my conversations, the things I stumble across on the web. The major things that come out of it are the extreme need of the poor and at-risk kids and adults of the world, and the responsibility of the rest of us. I am convinced that our culture has become more and more frivolous at a direct ratio to the needs in the rest of the world, and I wonder if people simply don't know how to help, or can't understand the enormity of what is going on. I read one statistic of a predicted 20 million children being left orphans by AIDS by the year 2010.Â
I was thinking of some sort of art project about this, and when I asked Chinua how long it would take me to paint 20 million dots, he figured out that if I painted five dots a second, for 24 hours a day, non-stop, it would take me over THREE YEARS. (!!!) Gasp. Choke. Sputter. How can this be? Â
What's interesting to me is that the Bible is so completely full of directives to help the poor and oppressed, and it is clear that that last part of Bono's speech is true. God's heart is completely with them. I am mulling and chewing on what I can do. It makes me feel a little as though I will split in two, but I've been encouraged that it is God who is putting this together, especially after talking with several friends who have had the same wind blowing on them.Â
I have also been encouraged by my friends, heroes of mine who have realized that part of their reason for being here is making choices that give to people around them.  While I was in Sacramento, I had the privilege of meeting the new baby girl of some friends of mine. They've been waiting for her for awhile, having decided to adopt their third child, and she came home with them a little over a week ago. She's precious, like a rose, and it's lovely beyond words that they have found her and she has found them.
Another friend of mine has been building into her community for a while now, almost a year, through the ownership of a cafe in Sacramento which supports local businesses and economy. (When you check out the link, check out the rest of the LJUrban site, they're pretty sweet.) She's also the kind of friend that I would keep in my sleeves if I could, but alas.
Bits and pieces, I know. I guess to wrap up I would say that I see people moving in the kind of ways that are like shadow puppets on the wall, like the something more beautiful than they are. Adopting is beautiful, but there are still diapers. Running a cafe that refuses to make its money off of other people's suffering is heroic, but there are still those bills needing to be paid. What I'm saying, I guess, is that revolution is made of many sacrifices. All of those sacrifices together build something larger than themselves (is that called synergy?) and fling themselves into the face of a great and pervasive evil that broods across our culture, an evil of selfishness. It's the evil I face everyday when I don't feel like taking care of others, when I want to sink into laziness.  If a battle is going to be fought against injustice, it seems like it begins with the same motions that cause us to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of a sick child. Why do we do it? Because they mean so much to us, because they're our family.
I think we need to expand our family a little.
Maybe I can just let you know some factoids. Sketch a little picture, so that you can put it together.
I drove some of my friends to the airport yesterday. We drove down to Sacramento on Saturday, then I dropped them off at the curb early Monday morning. It's the first step to them moving away from the Land, which makes me very sad. I'm happy for them, but sad for me. Yesterday, as I was sitting at my friend's cafe, my sadness punched me in the gut when she said, "this is good for them, hey"? and I laid my head on her bar counter and cried. I wanted to pull myself together, only there seemed to be nothing to pull together. Over the last two years I have lived through a slow attrition of a community that was tighter than anything I've ever been part of, (I'm being starkly honest here) and though we have hope of rebuilding, it is hard to say goodbye to people when you've seen each other married, give birth, walked through foreign corridors together...
I feel as though pieces of me are trickling away, as people move away. I invested too much in my friends, I guess. I don't know how to grieve this properly, I waver between hope and belief and bitterness and a kind of flinging my hands around my head.Â
It is NOT all about me. I know. This is about a whole village, the movement and shape of a group of people who have grown and walked together, and I see God's shape in it. He is a great orchestrator, an author. Our stories continue. But, I feel hurt. I feel left, out here in the woods, where the trees are always tall, where light is green and golden, alternately. I go back and forth, reminding myself of all that I have to be thankful for, and then feeling forgotten and used up.
So. That is one thing.Â
Another? Well, I have these kids, see, and I know that you know that. But, boy. I love them to death, and I'm also feeling a little overwhelmed by how much they need me. An ebb, if you will. I know you understand.
Also? God is reawakening my heart for the world. Seeing that speech of Bono's happened at a pretty key time for me. Everything seems centered around this. All my conversations, the things I stumble across on the web. The major things that come out of it are the extreme need of the poor and at-risk kids and adults of the world, and the responsibility of the rest of us. I am convinced that our culture has become more and more frivolous at a direct ratio to the needs in the rest of the world, and I wonder if people simply don't know how to help, or can't understand the enormity of what is going on. I read one statistic of a predicted 20 million children being left orphans by AIDS by the year 2010.Â
I was thinking of some sort of art project about this, and when I asked Chinua how long it would take me to paint 20 million dots, he figured out that if I painted five dots a second, for 24 hours a day, non-stop, it would take me over THREE YEARS. (!!!) Gasp. Choke. Sputter. How can this be? Â
What's interesting to me is that the Bible is so completely full of directives to help the poor and oppressed, and it is clear that that last part of Bono's speech is true. God's heart is completely with them. I am mulling and chewing on what I can do. It makes me feel a little as though I will split in two, but I've been encouraged that it is God who is putting this together, especially after talking with several friends who have had the same wind blowing on them.Â
I have also been encouraged by my friends, heroes of mine who have realized that part of their reason for being here is making choices that give to people around them.  While I was in Sacramento, I had the privilege of meeting the new baby girl of some friends of mine. They've been waiting for her for awhile, having decided to adopt their third child, and she came home with them a little over a week ago. She's precious, like a rose, and it's lovely beyond words that they have found her and she has found them.
Another friend of mine has been building into her community for a while now, almost a year, through the ownership of a cafe in Sacramento which supports local businesses and economy. (When you check out the link, check out the rest of the LJUrban site, they're pretty sweet.) She's also the kind of friend that I would keep in my sleeves if I could, but alas.
Bits and pieces, I know. I guess to wrap up I would say that I see people moving in the kind of ways that are like shadow puppets on the wall, like the something more beautiful than they are. Adopting is beautiful, but there are still diapers. Running a cafe that refuses to make its money off of other people's suffering is heroic, but there are still those bills needing to be paid. What I'm saying, I guess, is that revolution is made of many sacrifices. All of those sacrifices together build something larger than themselves (is that called synergy?) and fling themselves into the face of a great and pervasive evil that broods across our culture, an evil of selfishness. It's the evil I face everyday when I don't feel like taking care of others, when I want to sink into laziness.  If a battle is going to be fought against injustice, it seems like it begins with the same motions that cause us to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of a sick child. Why do we do it? Because they mean so much to us, because they're our family.
I think we need to expand our family a little.
Reader Comments (16)
Well said. Expand our families. And not just in the literal sense. But also not just figuratively. That's a hard line to walk - but not much is going to change in a positive way until we learn to walk that walk.
You're right that its all too easy to get caught up in a pity party when things change, especially when we liked them just fine the way they were! So what's to be done? I wish I knew. Steve Brown said this week at Perimeter that when things don't go our way, God gives us an 'alternate explanation.' Maybe it's not His reasons (which He doesn't have to justify to little old us), but if we can see the alternate explanation it helps put it in perspective and help us move forward.
I think there's a lot of soul searching required to find how we can have an impact on all those injustices in the world. But if we fail to do the soul searching, we'll won't move forward. So don't worry that your path to make a 'footprint' in the issues you're looking at isn't clear right now. It can't be that easy. Keep up the soul searching though, and it will come to you.
That was a really lovely post Rae. It's hard to say goodbye to friends, even if you kow you'll still be friends. Not being able to share your life on a regular basis changes things. All the best in working things out during this swimmy and froggy time.
What I have trouble remembering is the power of the drop. A drop of water - big deal. A drop of water on a stone over and over and over again carves a cavern. We can't all do big things to change the world, but we can all do little things. We can all teach our children kindness. We can all knit a hat for someone who is cold. We can all watch our neighbor's kids when their mom is sick with the flu. We can all say hello to a stranger. And the little things, over and over and over again make the world a better place.
Is it hard when a friend leaves your community. I moved from Seattle to Tampa last year and I am still feeling very lost from it. I know that my friends are still my friends but it is so very different when I can be there in person than when I have to be there through the computer or the phone.
I try not to hide inside my new "home" almost afraid to venture out and start again. But it is still hard. I feel a lack of community here that I had in Seattle. I felt a connection with those around me that is totally empty here. I am a stranger in a strange land. I have never felt this way in my travels before even while I was in countries where I didn't know the language or the people. It is very strange.
It is very overwhelming when you think of what you can do to change the world. It's such a big place but there are things that we can do, everday to make a difference. One of the things that you are doing is sharing your thoughts, ideas and experiences here.
I am not a Christian but I feel hopeful reading your blog, knowing that there are people out there like you. I do not know if Christ is my savior but I do believe that he was a great man with a beautiful message. If his message leads more people to live a life like yours, this will be a wonderful world.
I am so glad I got to see you and actually spend time talking. I hope we can do it again soon. It is so encouraging to talk to friends that want to do something to make this world better and not for us but for the poor and helpless. I love the passion that you have and it is very contagious.
I share the restless feeling that the days are slipping by while a good portion of the church is too busy with infighting to notice the raging injustice in the world. That my heart yearns to do more, but my days are so full of ministering to the people in my house that there's not much left. When people tell me that life is "all about the journey" and to "just bloom where I'm planted", I want to scream! If that's the case then this life is all about becoming more like Christ and frankly, I want more. Please tell me there's more!To see His goodness in the land of the living would mean life and promise and hope to so many who suffer--who are suffering right now. I'm learning that I usually get this way right before He moves me into a new area, literally or figuratively. I guess He needs to see that I'm ready and willing to go when He sends me. Hope the encouragement in your life overtakes the yucky overwhelming stuff soon.
Well said. There's really nothing more to say. Now let's do something.
I agree with jennifer that restless feeling of watching the church seem to be so involved with itself that it's forgetting it's prime reason for being here - I was thinking about it last night - all about being light to the world, and realizing that sometimes I feel overwhelmed and trapped - like I'm not doing what I have been called to do - but the Lord quietly reminded me that it just takes me doing something every day - blessing someone else, handing money over to someone asking for money - quietly blessing a friend in need. That will have to do right now until the Lord sees fit to release me to go and do some of the things I feel I should be doing - but being faithful in little means a lot to Him. It is like that wee drop.
I think that the Lord is stirring His church and those that will listen will be blessed. I'm tired of churchianity and I want more - I don't want to sit on my hands and do nothing while the world passes away, while children are at risk still!
Along Jennifer's lines...our church recently recovered their pews because the fabric was getting worn. Well, the new fabric didn't look quite as nice as some people in the church hoped. So the church voted to buy all new pews.
I was going a little nutty inside, thinking of all the needy people in the world who could have been helped instead. But did I speak up? no....
Don't get me wrong-- these are generally kind people with a heart for mission work-- as a church we support several missionaries. But people get all off-kilter focusing on the wrinkles in their own world and forget about the truly desperate need of others in the broader world.
Anyway, great post.
i wanted to add something else about all our pouring into other people's lives and the constant moving of people into your lives. It is a hard way to live, yet you've not backed off from the challenge. I know that a little bit of you leaves with each one of them. It's so hard to be part of a transient community.
Bless you in this ministry.
Ahh the sweet sounds of pleasant stimulating real conversation, honest empathy and compassion,
When people die everey seven seconds of water related illness/dehydration every day it's hard to not think of the tap dripping or the rivers and mountains being polluted regularly,
I was really opened up to humanitarian/ spiritual service this past year, not being in a froiegn country but standing on the streets with my Amnesty international vest on asking people if they had a minute to listen about our urgent campaigns, angels would come over from no where and suddenly stop and really care, and want to know about what was going on,
i couldn't beleive the encounters i was having, i thought everyone knew about child soldiers being put into armed conflict as young as seven and eight, or the fact that every six seconds a child will die from a water related issue, ie. lack of accees to clean water or desease/illness...
Being employed and empowering others to do what i felt was service to humanity -and therefor God -
inspired me to sign up for a program here at cap college for next year.
It;s the Global Justice Program, its a two year course where you are enrolled full time in studdies and field work, evenetually working for Oxfam or Amnesty International at home and aborad.
I feel that is my calling and passion in this lifetime to help and educate others of our very interconnected web of life, i want my children to help too.. We would like to be in community building permaculture and sustainablity and distributing food for life.
That's kinda why i am so attracted to and practicing Krishna Consciousness, our whole way of relating is about sharing food, and singing praise to god's glory in divine love. I honour everyones different paths to awakening that part of us that knows we must reach out and help others.... it may not all be solved in one lifetime, we may only get so far, but to not do anything to help out fellow spirits would be a waste of precious life.
It can be challenging to see everything as god's will, war, peace, oppulence, the constant suffering of struggle to feel safe and meet basic life needs. The contrast is vast.
We can brake the cycle of suffering by helping our god brothers and god sisters of this world.
Jesus lived a giving, and selfless life, He is a wonderous example of pure love.
I think deep in our core we all have a need for community, it seems our society is so fragmented in structure, (capatilism) it can be challenging to find community and relationship needs met...
I know what its like to have community come and go from your life, it is so important to keep faith in knowing that your love is eternal...
"We are dancing in the light of jah, we are dancing in the light of god,
we are walking in the light of god," i'm sure you knonw this song...
I really feel blessed to know you, and to know that i'm not alone, (i hope ya'll have seen i know i'm not alone by Michael franti!)
~a revolution never comes with a warning~
to the eas to the west, to the north and south, one love people!
every day is a chance to give random acts of kindness,
Thank you, journeymama. Beautiful writing that reveals a beautiful heart for people. ... Going now to expand my family a little more.
Oh I know all about feeling alone and bereft when friends leave and communities disperse. I think it's beautiful the way you invest in your friends.
I've been revisiting the justice question and what can I do? Your right, if my sense of family was broader part of it would be simple.
Here's another way of looking at it. There are over 300 million people in the United States. If every grown-up in this country made a commitment to help one aids orphan, say through world vision child sponsorship, then those 20 million AIDS orphans would be more than taken care of. It costs $40 a month. Now imagine if every adult in the developed west did that.
Rae,
Just found this article and thought of you. Been reading and not knowing what to say. I hope your feeling better.
I think you might like this article. It is about a place near where my mother is from. At 17 she and her family were "kicked" out of the country at the end of WWII. To this day she talks sadly about leaving her home.
The article is very uplifting to me. The people that bought the home remind me of you.
I hope it gives you a little light into the future.
Ooops forgot to leave the site.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/21/realestate/greathomes/21GH-Czech.html?pagewanted=1
My heart feels for you Rae. When I heard of the good news for those wonderful friends of yours, while I felt joy for them, I wondered how it would be for you. May joy fill those deep sorrowful places; not just a happy feeling now and then, but a full, lasting joy that comes in even though there's suffering.