A break

So much is going on in my life.  I have deleted more than I have written this morning. 

I think that what is going on is this:  I have struggled, as all mothers do, with balance in my life.  And I have juggled with being a writing mother.  So, for a while, I just gave myself up to the motherhood part, and that's kind of what the last post was about.  Just give in, I tell myself, and when I do, I'm happy. 

But there are certain kinds of things that I can't do with my kids.  My art and writing fall into that category, and I know that I'm not supposed to give them up.  When I try to start mixing them back in, though- look at my novel again, get up with the light to write- things start happening to make me discontent with mothering again.  Would you just give me a MINUTE, I find myself saying.  My thoughts are elsewhere.  I have not figured out how to compartmentalize this. 

But I know there must be an answer.  So while I was driving, the other day, an idea came, as all good ideas do come, when the trees are moving by in a rush.  I need to listen.  All my writing writing writing, and my talking talking talking sure do make a lot of mind noise.  I need to listen, to purposely spend a chunk of time listening to God.  He is, after all, the one who made me with these desires.  And then he gave me some kids.  And so, there it is.

I am picking up my writing life anew.  I want to write here with renewed effort, and pick up that dang novel and build a house around it.  But first I am taking some time to listen, to hear what it is that I need to know, to pursue this life in the way that I want to pursue it.  I know that I want to be with my kids in this stage in their lives.  I know that I want to teach them.  Now I need to know how to carve out a writing path for myself as well, or at least how to feel about the difficulty of that.

So I'll take a little break from writing in this blog.  I need my writing to be internal while I'm listening, I need to be recording what I'm hearing, writing a plan, shutting up long enough to be spoken to.  It probably won't be long, maybe just a couple of weeks. 

Do you know of any good books I could be reading right now? 

Comments

[Rebeca]

I think the struggle you express is common to us all. I know I am usually weighing down one side of the scale, but rarely feel as if I'm achieving balance. Bless you my friend, as you take time to listen. Rebeca

[Melissa]

I have struggled with this balance, myself. I finally learned that I can not mix the two: parenting and writing. When I try to do both at the same time, I get angry with one or the other. To write, I have to go into a room, shut the door and write; or leave the house and write somewhere else. When I parent, I have to relax and just parent and not try to write at the same time. Listening is exremely important, of course, which is hard to do when doing too many things at once. I'm sure you'll listen better if you do less. Something to consider: maybe now is not the time to be reading books. In a way, that's more mind noise. I wish you all the best.

[Jennifer]

No good book suggestions here. I've taken to re-reading all the classic books I'm buying for my kids- the ones like "Swiss Family Robinson" and "The Secret Garden"...the ones they ignore in favor of "Captain Underpants" and "Judy Blume" and "Holes". Oh well, at least they're reading.

Hope your break is fruitful yet restful. That the listening and the fellowship with the Father help to bring focus and balance and a plan for how to move forward. Usually when I feel like my life is out of balance, it's time for me to either give something up or lay it down for a time. I'm learning that there's no desire He's placed in my heart that He isn't working out in my life- no matter how impossible it seems to me at any given time. :-)

[jessie]

Balance, the neverending battle for mothers. I hope you can find a plan that works for you. I know that God is faithful. A book that you might like is called The Journey of Desire
by John Eldredge.

[#1mama]

You are wise beyond your years. Have fun listening!

[Dandelion Dust]

I hope you find the balance that you are looking for. I like what you wrote about God giving you the desires you have to write and to be creative... but then He also gave you your children. I agree, that if you just listen you will find the balance that you want and need.

About good books to read... I am reading "Child Of The Jungle" by Sabine Kuegler. Great reading, and the true account of a European child growing up in the jungle amoung people who knew nothing about an outside world.

[Jessamyn]

i kept thinking i was reading something I had written when i read this post...especially about the neverending juggling act of personal desires and being responsible for other beings! everything seems to be such a balancing act when you become a mama. i know this for sure.
have you read the artist's way by julia cameron, before? i just started that and it might be something that offers you inspiration.
another one i read in college was bird by bird by anne lamott. i remember getting good things out of this when i read it for a large...very large for my undertaking...writing project.
i know that reading my favorites and being with natural inspiration always seems to bring about good communication with THE source of all creativity.
enjoy your break.

[wren]

Check out Streams in the Desert. I think you'd be super encouraged by it.... This is an excerpt - some quotes and just explaining what it's about... enjoY!

I said, "The desert is so wide!"
I said, "The desert is so bare!"
What springs to quench my thirst are there?
Where will I from the tempest hide?
"In a barren wilderness, L.B. Cowman long ago discovered a fountain that sustained her, and she shared it with the world. "Streams in the Desert" - her collection of prayerful meditations, Christian writings, & God's written promises - has become one of the most dearly loved, best-selling devotionals of all time since its first publication in 1925. Filled with insight into the richness of God's provision and the purpose of His plan, this enduring classic has encouraged and inspired generations of Christians."
"I heard the flow of hidden springs;
Before me palms rose green and fair;
The birds were singing; all the air
Was filled and stirred with angels' wings.

[Charlotte]

You are so wise. I must remember to do some more listening. Thanks for the insight and good luck with your new goal.

[Eva]

Probably anything by Dr Seusse would be appropriate.....:)

[Rachel]

In many ways you spell out my life. It's so encouraging to know that there are more people out there, struggling, finding their own way. I just recently read NICE GIRLS DON'T CHANGE THE WORLD. I read it in an hour and a half and am still contemplating things in it. I love you, dear friend.

[Jennifer]

I will miss you and your musings.

I work from home as well and I know exactly the feeling you are talking about. Like a game of tug-of-war, with my child on one end and my work on the other. When I am with my child, I feel like I am letting my clients down. When I am working, I feel like I am letting my child down. It is frustrating and scary and hard and there is always that fear that you are messing it all up. At least for me.

My solution has been to put my son in someone else's care. This way, when we are together, we are really together and my thoughts are on him. When he is away, I can focus on my work and I feel fulfilled.

I wish I knew of a book that would help me find peace with my decisions and how I spend the too few hours in a day.

If you find that book, please let me know. Good luck to you. I know you'll be listening when enlightenment speaks again.

[mamie]

hi rae, it is good to read your words and know what you do, you do for you and your family. i too have pulled a bit back from the blog and demanding of myself that i find the time to write. the words come when they come and that will have to be. i hope the listening goes well and i will think of you in this time. reading wise...ever tried anything by dr wayne dyer. i suggest this because a friend recently started a few of his books and she felt very inspired by his musings. i'll check in. smiles.

[melissa]

Hi Rae,

I love you! you are an amazin momma giving your sweet children so much love and affection, i can feel your service in your words, your writing is multi dimensional, inspirational, fulfilling, calling, educational, and not to mention truth!

i think i recieve a lot of benefit reading your words, it helps to connect my intentions, i understand the need to fulfill your needs as an individual aside from parent,

I have recently read a couple of good books, they both reflect on comunication and the power to make life more wonderful.....

Marshal Rosenberg's Non violent comunication, the language of life,
It is an inspirational and sweet book for anyone,

the other book is : How to speak peice in a world of conflict, by Marshal rosenberg,

There are also parenting books, Parenting from the heart,

I invite you to check out the NVC website, it is an astounding site with a network of pathways to comuntiy and conscious relating, I found the later book to be focused on spiritual aspects of comunicating,

Peace and Love,
Menaka Dasi

[katriona]

i'll miss your posts and look forward to them starting back up again. enjoy the mental breathing "room" in the meantime.

mrs b.

[carrien]

Christianity Rediscovered by somebody Donovan

Because that was the last book that I read that I found really exciting and interesting and wanted to share with others. It's the story of a Catholic priest in the 60's talking to the Masai people and in the process rethinking everything. I enjoyed his conclusions too. I'd mail you my copy but the GH hasn't finished it yet.

OR Spirit of the Rain Forest

What I want to read next is The New Friars, it looks good but I can't recommend it yet because I have yet to begin.

[Heather Cummings Jensen]

Yes on the book recommendation! Let Your Life Speak by Parker Palmer.

[sara]

hey, if you move, can i have your toaster?

[Dana]

Rae,
I haven't checked into your blog in a while and now that I have, pop!, you're taking a breather! But you know what you have to do even though it may feel conflicting for you. Like all the other comments, I know that tug of war feeling between doing what you feel purposed to do creatively and being a parent. I'm going through it right now. Sometimes you can get to wondering, where did I go? What am I supposed to be doing?? It's probably one of the oldest struggles we humans go through, right? But yes, yes, yes, you can't go wrong in being STILL before the Lord. Not only do you find answers but you receive comfort, refreshment, peace, hope, rescue. The world would have us living up to its standards, which are poor, pale imitations. I want to kick myself so often for not going to the well that Christ so readily offers. Then I wonder why I feel spent, wrung out, dry and brittle, like a ship with no harbor.
Good on you for purposefully going towards Christ for your help and refocusing. As for books, the Mitford series by Jan Karon is a soothing, comforting, amusing read. You may also want to look into The Shofar Blew by Francine Rivers. She's great; she writes of deep, human struggles and failings which are tough but answered ultimately and thoroughly by God's leading. She shines light on the redemptive love of Jesus in any and all circumstances! Elisabeth Elliot is an author with much Godly wisdom and insight and depth. The Five Silent Years of Corrie ten Boom is a very rewarding read. This next one is not a Christian book and it's rather sad but ultimately I enjoyed the story. It's called The Lovely Bones; I don't remember the author's name. It's by a woman. Yes, sad but oddly full of life and bittersweet, touching moments. Anyway, I hope you actually find good stretches of time for some good reading :)

[sara]

i was kidding, by the way

[Random]

I want to second the Anne Lamott recommendation. Perhaps you are very familiar with her work already; your style reminds me of hers very much, and I love her writing.

Best to you. Keep on articulating what so many of feel.