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Friday
Aug222008
How it goes
August 22, 2008 
(Thank you so much for all the love and blessing. We are not ever alone, even far away.)
What wonderful creatures newborns are. The grunty squeaks, the rooting, the little frantic passes at your nose and lips. And then a wonderful stillness, almost a listening, before their digestive systems overtake them and overwhelm them and an explosive poop echoes into the peace of your bed.
Mmmmm.
Kid A has this absolute horror of the baby's spit up (still deciding on a nickname). He loves to hold him, he is the sweetest older brother, but he just gags if his baby brother spits up while he is holding him. It makes me laugh.
We all love him. I am taking every single second that I can, just to stare at him.
Chinua and I trip out on how much he looks like the others. He looks almost exactly like Leafy did, with YaYa's complexion, but from some angles I am overwhelmingly reminded of Kid A as a newborn. And then it's YaYa. And then I am telling Chinua that I need to nurse Leafy, and he's all, you need to nurse who? It seems that there is a certain way that we make babies, and they don't stray far from the mold.
I'm a wonderful milky mess, with curves for approximately the fourth time in my life, curves that I show off to Renee and Chinua whenever I get the chance. Check me out, I say. My belly is gone and it has moved upward.
I'm weepy. "Do you hate me?" I asked Chinua this morning, tears pitifully flowing down my cheeks. "Do you think I'm a failure?" He lay beside me for awhile and reminded me of these hormone things that happen. It's the third day. Now is the time for tears, and milk, and then the baby pees on me and we are all just soaking. And there is so much love, everywhere.
I love to eat. Kind people bring me food. Normally I make breakfast every morning, and lunch as well, but Jaya has been watching me and she brings me the very breakfast I would have made... fruit and muesli and yogurt and honey, even though I haven't asked her to. I don't feel nauseous anymore in the morning, I don't have to eat bite by bite, slowly, so that I don't throw up. I can chug back a glass of water if I want to, first thing in the morning, without throwing up. Renee made me lunch and I had no heartburn, no little tiny stomach that doesn't want to take in food. I swear it was the best thing I had ever tasted in my whole entire life.
I am weak. Sometimes I feel like I will faint when I stand up. I walk around like an old lady, still exhausted from the birth. I am processing all that happened. I am writing it out slowly. I am recovering.
The kids sit on my bed and watch me nurse, they watch me change the baby, they hold him, they kiss him. I have three boys. I can't believe I have three boys. Leafy seems a little disturbed, although I think it is more from my absence than from the new baby, whom he loves. He sits on my lap and holds him on his lap, with that proud shy look he gets when he thinks he's doing something pretty cool. I'm so glad that Leafy fits on my lap again.
I stare at the baby, I smell him, I kiss him relentlessly. This is how it goes.
Reader Comments (30)
Such beauty - in this post and your words, your emotions, in your gorgeous son, in your family....love this.
He is just beautiful! Congratulations.
Mmmm. I remember that new lovely milkiness from when my babies were born. This post takes me back. I'm so happy for you.
Beautiful!
I know with each of my children's births, I see a new face that is so familiar to me. It is wondrous, isn't it?
Ah, day three. Rest, eat, soak in the wee one and don't do much else. All will seem infinitely better very soon. Don't forget, you are now a new and different woman, the mother of four, and you are getting introduced to your new self.
And sniff his little head for me. That newborn smell is the sweetest, most unique and short lived aroma on earth.
Blessings!
Mmmm.... How I wish I could pop in with a nice meal for you, sit over a cup of chai, chat a while, and maybe even hold the little fellow. But, I cannot. He is precious, and I'm glad you are savoring the moments. They pass all too quickly, as you know. Much, much love to each one of you!
Absolutely precious! Many blessings to you and your amazing family!
Oh, how very wonderful. Felt like I was right there with you enjoying all that a new little baby brings. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. :)
I'm glad you're enjoying this time with your new one and the rest of the family.
Noah saw the previous picture and unprovoked said he looked like Leafy. He saw this one and said he looks like you Rachel, and now that he put that thought in my head, I can see you too, along with the kids (though this pic shows Kid A's side.
I'm so happy for you it makes me teary.
Love ya bunches.
P.S. Derek stayed last night. He's real cool.
Oh so yummy, the smell of a newborn babe, it has to be one of the greatest smells on earth. Thanks for sharing your story/life.
Glad your enjoying food again. Yeah, for no more heartburn.
It goes well.
Oh, my. He is yummy.
You are blessed!
you don't know me, but i wanted to express my joy for you & your family. what a beautiful moment you are living.
(i think my uterus did a little dance when i read this post :))
What a nicely pink baby! And the things that you are able to do again, that is so nice. One forgets what's it's like for awhile, enjoying food!
I am like Rebeca, wish I could just pop in and hold him, and get to know him. I so enjoyed doing that with Leafy for 3 months. It was a bonding time.
you rock, rachel. So excited for you guys!!!!!!
Our babies are from a cookie cutter, too-I'm praying this next one breaks the mold and has black hair.
I can't believe it's only day three and you're on the computer. Wow
I'm going to pretend you're not talking about your boobies!
you bring me the good kind of tears, woman.
such precious memories, those babymoon days.
enjoy.
I forgot to submit my nickname idea - Ollie.
what bliss, what joy, what dedication, what love, Yay you can eat in peace! and he can eat in peace! and loving helpers, such sweet angels--- he is so precious, you are all so inspiring and courageous
god's love is an ocean of causeless mercy in so many forms, this child is another exapmle,
i like the name monsoon man, okay monsoon traveller boy, he is after all the monsoon baby! i ownder what monsoon is in hindi?
gratitude to you all!
ps..
tomorrow, which is today in india is Krishna's birthday, - Sri Krishna Janmastamia very auspicious time in india, may that love of god be surrounded by you allways!
Isn't it SO WONDERFUL to not have heartburn, and to be able to bend over again? It's like CHRISTMAS, baby!
Your new one is just delicious. Why don't you call him that? Delicious Boy. Then I thought about Mango, but then it brought to mind that Chris Kattan sketch from SNL...but maybe something Indian? Monsoon Baby?
Oh he is so beautiful!!! (no surprise really, he does look much like your 3 other gorgeous kids!)
I laughed a bit at that part about eating, how you can finally enjoy it again.. I am trying to remind myself that it does exist... that I too will once again dance around in my little love affair with food, that this awkward hesitation of starving and yet not quite feeling like eating phase will pass, that each bite won't always pose the question, is this one gonna send me to bathroom?, am i okay?, can i swallow? and each meal won't always end without even being able to finish it... ah pregnancy, joy of joys! At least the belly kicks are fun.. I got a ways to go for that though too!
Miss you and love you RaeRae.
Rae, I so appreciate how you are able to take life, the beauty in it, and hold it by the face, and show it to the rest of us ... all with your words. Thank you. And blessings to you all during these precious first few days!
Susan Barnes
What a beautiful child! He has an enormous presence and just simply glows.
"What wonderful creatures newborns are. The grunty squeaks, the rooting, the little frantic passes at your nose and lips. And then a wonderful stillness, almost a listening, before their digestive systems overtake them and overwhelm them and an explosive poop echoes into the peace of your bed."
This may be the most perfect description of a new born ever written.
I'm glad you have such loving attendants.
After Calvin was born it took me a long time to decompress. It was so glad to have had him in our home, but it was still traumatic for the first few days. Now, I can hardly remember it. But that's par for the course for me! I'm so happy for your family. Really, these crazy newborn days are so sweet. Such closeness, newness, and yes, wetness.
--K