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Saturday
Jan102009
Writers Writing
January 10, 2009
Grumpy as the grumpiest grumper, (sometimes I like to talk like this: "Fussers fussing," I say to the baby, when he's whining and grizzling. "Chubbers chubbing," I say as I poke at his knees) I slouch along down our little street. I hate my life right now, I say, ungratefully, disregarding the moon and the light spilling from everywhere, the food in my belly, all the blessings piled up in heaps.
I'm tired of shallow new friendships and forever trying to go deeper, I say, as I smile and stop to talk with my neighbors, disregarding the thousands of small kindnesses that I receive everyday.
"Weren't you supposed to find that out for me?" I say to my husband.
"Did you realize that you put them to bed a half hour early? No wonder they're not tired."
"Do you think you can remember?"
This kind of talk is not kind talk, if you know what I mean.
Meaner than the meanest meany, I slouched along down our village street, which is the width of a single car. It's also made of dirt. Red dirt which is in my house and in my bed and we bathe all the time and clean all the time and I'm up to my neck in laundry and so tired of dirt. I'm tired of wondering about how to pay for things, tired of sorting out squabbles, tired, just tired.
And then I stopped to watch some pre-wedding celebrations. Three men were sitting in front of a Catholic shrine, and the middle one was covered in milk and flour and water. The other two were also quite drenched, but he was sopping.
Wow.
"He's the groom?" I asked the man who was closest to me. Funny. I had talked to this sodden man three times today, and had no idea that he was getting married tomorrow.
It reminded me of being in Thailand, so long ago, for New Year's. Everyone in the streets ends up as sodden as the soon to be married man, since the custom is to throw colored flour paste and water on each other.
Gunky, messy, sticky, fun.
Apt descriptions of my life right now.
I can't say that I feel any less grumpy (though I did apologize to my Superstar Husband and kissed him on the forehead a few times) but at least I felt inspired to sit down and write this. I love it here, where they throw flour and water on soon-to-be-married men outside in the village.
I'm tired of shallow new friendships and forever trying to go deeper, I say, as I smile and stop to talk with my neighbors, disregarding the thousands of small kindnesses that I receive everyday.
"Weren't you supposed to find that out for me?" I say to my husband.
"Did you realize that you put them to bed a half hour early? No wonder they're not tired."
"Do you think you can remember?"
This kind of talk is not kind talk, if you know what I mean.
Meaner than the meanest meany, I slouched along down our village street, which is the width of a single car. It's also made of dirt. Red dirt which is in my house and in my bed and we bathe all the time and clean all the time and I'm up to my neck in laundry and so tired of dirt. I'm tired of wondering about how to pay for things, tired of sorting out squabbles, tired, just tired.
And then I stopped to watch some pre-wedding celebrations. Three men were sitting in front of a Catholic shrine, and the middle one was covered in milk and flour and water. The other two were also quite drenched, but he was sopping.
Wow.
"He's the groom?" I asked the man who was closest to me. Funny. I had talked to this sodden man three times today, and had no idea that he was getting married tomorrow.
It reminded me of being in Thailand, so long ago, for New Year's. Everyone in the streets ends up as sodden as the soon to be married man, since the custom is to throw colored flour paste and water on each other.
Gunky, messy, sticky, fun.
Apt descriptions of my life right now.
I can't say that I feel any less grumpy (though I did apologize to my Superstar Husband and kissed him on the forehead a few times) but at least I felt inspired to sit down and write this. I love it here, where they throw flour and water on soon-to-be-married men outside in the village.
Reader Comments (18)
I love the "grumpy and the grumpiest grumper" O how I know that feeling but then to look around and know that we are so blessed. It is messy but it is ours. May you have a peace filled day.
Rae,
I've been reading your blog for awhile now - just never commented (shy? selfish? lazy?). Anyway, I just want to tell you how much I enjoy your writing, and the little snippets into your beautiful life. So,... thank you!
Oh the grumpy days must come, no matter the surroundings. I like though how your "extra-grace-required" day sounds remarkably like a Dr. Seuss book.
You're a word smith even on a grumbling rampage. That's the way to live in the moment, Girl.
Ah, Rae~ I thought I was the only one to be grumpy as the grumpiest grumper at times. Far too many times. The picture of a sticky-flour covered groom made me chuckle. I'm sure my kids would think it great fun to throw flour paste all over one another!
Peace to you friend. We all have these moments, but I hate how the feeling fills me up so quickly and makes the whole world seem dark. I can try to talk myself out of it, but it's pretty gripping. Prayers and love, Rebeca
I was looking through old Land photos this morning and hurting so terribly bad inside for those days. And I remembered how much I whined when I lived there and I repented again, that I didn't thank God, singing, every day. It's so much easier to see the glow and shine of your life in hindsight. Rachel, so are so, so blessed to be where you are. You are still living that life-the community life. I have so much respect for you, to be doing all your doing with your kids, and living where you are. I'm so glad you are doing it-it shows me it is possible. Bless you guys
I totally emphasize with you - the grumpy days. I've been catching myself feeling that way as well, and realize that part of it is an after Christmas slump, sort of like what it feels like after all the planning for a wedding, the aftermath. It doesn't help here that it's dull and gray and wintery, but then a ray of sunshine shines through, or a see a hummingbird at the humming bird feeder and all the grumpy feelings go away.
Lots of love,
That's your grumpiest grumpy? I don't believe it.
In my house, your grumpy is considered to be my "Mama's having a good day".
I think you need to cultivate grumpiness. I could give you lessons.
I miss you.
lots.
What a beautiful writer you are! Lyrical, musical, beautiful. I just received my calendar in the mail, and I love it too. Thank you~
We all have days like that...days where the little (and bigger) irritations take away God's glory. The good thing is that we recognize it and refocus back on the blessings.
Hugs!
If it's any consolation.. I was meaner than the meanest meany yesterday to. Big hugs coming your way.
I wish we knew this when Matty and I were getting married. I would soaked him good. Right in the face. Love it. I was able to picture it so well. You inspire me. I am reading the Great Gatsby right now. Good book if you have never read it. Makes me laugh, and I am not the biggest laugher right now.
Lara
I have just read this post and thought wow, it mirrors my day totally. Well without the whole soaking someone and general living in India, although I am married to an Indian guy - does that count?? My blog entry for today is really similar, maybe it's the Monday blues....
Warmest wishes!
I seriously think that you all are not doing anyone any good by living where you are. Honestly, I believe that you all would be much happier living elsewhere and therefore, be more productive in everything that you are wanting to achieve personally and in realizing your shared goals. You need suffer your existance. . . you and your family could be so much more productive elsewhere. Best of luck in all your endeavors. Stay well.
oh geez belize, i totally know how it feels....
i love it here too, thanks for making this space, you are wonderful - even when you are grumpy..
*sigh*
This grumpy post has made me feel so light hearted and bubbly. There's a children's book in there, I think.
Thanks for sharing your grumpiness. Truth really does make all the difference, doesn't it?
Best, EmB.