I'm out.

Well, no, not really. But don't you wish sometimes that you could just say, "See ya," and then find yourself a nice cozy world where it is not storming and there are no assassinations and nobody is asking you for anything?

I think it's the kind of day I'm having. It's a day when every movement makes me even more nauseous. It's a day when suddenly being pregnant and expecting my fourth child, who will be born before my oldest turns six, seems overwhelming. When nine months seems vast. When I can't get comfortable. Already.

A day to be a whiny child. Along with my whiny, not-quite-feeling-well children.

Today is a day when my to-do list is slapping me in the face like a wet fish, when I am ignoring it and procrastinating, lying on the floor trying to feel better. (Have I ever mentioned just how much I love lying on the floor? Sometimes I wonder if I'll still be lying on the floor when I'm sixty-five. Probably.)

Today is the kind of day that reminds me of days in the past when I used to hole up in my room with a book and a large bag of chips. Or maybe a cake. I would love to do that now, minus the food. But now I am a mom, and I'd better get used to it. And now I have work to do.

I'm trying to lay down some of my working roles, and in doing so, I seem to accumulate even more work- things that need to be done before I can fully lay them aside. It's killing me. I feel like my life is one big deadline. For example, right now I somehow need to magically open up a high-interest bank account. I have no idea how to do this. I need to get tax receipts out. I need to get my computer fixed. I need to send out some communications. I need to work on updating a website.

I feel like I'm having a panic attack.

Maybe what I really need is to pray.

Breathe into me. I'm lost and lonely. I'm growing to hate numbers. I want nothing to do with this.

It's you that I serve. This is not for nothing. You are not harsh. You bend me but don't break me. You made life and we are glad. We are safe. The storm hasn't killed us. We have so much.


I'm tired. Please make me free again.



(Here's a photo of me in my sister-in-law's room, wondering why my belly looks like I'm three months pregnant. Photo credit for both photos belongs to Chinua the great, otherwise known as the beautiful man with the great-smelling face who brought home steak tacos tonight.)

Comments

[Lara]

You look great.
Already showing.
I cant believe it.
You were pregnant when I first met you.
You are a very gorgeous pregnant woman sister.

[dandelion dust]

Your hair looks so cool

I hope you get to feeling better soon

[melissa]

Your photos' are gorgeous, and so alive.
The first paragraph of your blog is so real to what i am feeling these days,(okay my stuff is pms related but hormonal and motherly none the less)

yeah i guess we just have to deal with it, we're moms, the work doesn't end for a while,
and the breath, oh the breath of prayer, thank you so much.

and thank you for keeping that faith and love alive. All too often us parents and couples get bogged down by the life stuff and wallow in our depths of anxiety...failing to see the light, you allways see the light rae, even when the going is challenging, this is a blessed gift.
Oh those darn to do lists can indeed seem endless, if only the meditation and prayer were as endless in our minds.
Thanks for being you and inspiring my vision into the journey through motherhood.
your baby is shining inside you! what a gift, what grace, what love you speak. Thank you for being a mother, I mean it, I know how it is, and can't really imagine four kids, but the love must flow more thick with each child. How beatiful and sacred to whitness any moments of the overwhelming experiences of birth. I know it's not all the sweet fuzzy stuff during pregnancy, and the nausea is pretty intense... but from here it looks pretty great.
big hugs

[Charlotte]

What a beautiful picture. I love it. Good luck for facing all those tough reality-type things when you are not feeling your best.

[Siobhan]

Hi, I'm sorry if I have missed the answer to your question, I have been away at the beach (Australian summer!) and caught up on your blog in one fell swoop, but do you know when you are due yet? I am very happy for you!

[Alesia]

I get the tired mom, no rest for the weary thing. Sometimes all I want is 2 inches of personal space, but with little kids I can't even get that. I hope you start to feel better soon. It's tough to function when you're so depleted.

You have to love a beautiful (great smelling) man bearing steak tacos. A gift bearing gifts.

[#1mama]

oh love, your blog today makes me want to cuddle with you, hold you and remind you that everything is going to be all right... maybe have chicken noodle soup, grilled cheese sandwiches and dill pickles!!!

[mamie]

i am with you on the face smelling, especially around the scruffy jaw area. you look radiant and have complete permission to stay on the floor as long as necessary, it is where i spend the majority of time too. hugs and smiles to you, that you can write after your travels is testimony to your strength.

[Sarah]

You are gorgeous!!! Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!

[heather]

FOr high-interest savings accounts, you'll probably want to go with either ingdirect.org (orange savings) or emigrantdirect.com. People say that emigrant transfers faster, where ING takes 3 days (in my experience). Rates are about the same. Just a little practical info. :)

[blackbird]

gosh
you're
gorgeous.

[Melissa D/ Menaka]

the smelling thing really works, pass it on and on

[Mrs. G.]

You look so lovely. You need to eat some dark chocolate with those eggs.

We eat tons of pasta, beans, fish, salads and ice cream.

[carrien]

you look so pretty. And that top is really cute.

[Tara]

What a gorgeous mama. Thanks for sharing a beautiful picture.