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Wednesday
Sep172008
Dear Kid A
September 17, 2008 
I remember once, when you were younger, that someone told me about a certain age that boys enter into. I shuddered, looking at you, curled in my lap, to think of this fabled time; the time when you would no longer want to hug me or snuggle with me or hold my hand. I couldn't imagine it. I thought it would be horrid, like eel pie or a lamprey shake.
That time is here, and what I want to say is... it's not so bad.
In fact, it seems totally natural to me, you with your bony angles, your longer than possible legs, your quick smile and sense of humor. You've moved away from me a little, and right you should.
It is as natural as the fact that every day I kiss Solo repeatedly, unnecessarily, and obsessively, all over his little, perfect, infant-acne'd face. It's as natural as the rare kisses I get from Leafy, along with the fact that when I pick him up, his little arms squeeze me tight around my neck and his little legs go around my waist, like he is a monkey boy and doesn't want to let go. It's as natural as YaYa with her kisses and hugs and cooed, "Oh, you are so Beee-you-ti-ful, Mama!" All of these things are here, and now, and none will stay the same. Naturally.
I still want to hug you, still reach for you when you do something great, until I remember and snatch my arms back to my sides, then give you a high five instead. Sometimes I just use words to tell you. Every so often, if you've fallen, you'll come to me for a quick kiss- or a hug that lasts about four seconds.
And then there is the way you idolize your dad, because he is just the COOLEST THING EVER. Cooler than cool, really. I'm glad that you recognize this about him. I do too. He rocks. It was pretty funny, the other day when we were reading that book, and there was a little girl who lost her mom when her mom was giving birth to her brothers. I looked up and saw your face, as I was reading. "That's pretty sad, isn't it," I said, ready to talk about it if you needed to.
"Yeah," you said. "I would be so so sad if DADDY or JED died." Jed is your best friend, far across the world now, but still ranking higher than me. I laugh without sting because I know you don't really mean it, and because I also know that this too, is natural.
This is because we have done our bonding, the way that Solo and I are now bonding, almost the same person, but slowly edging apart. And I know that you are secure enough in me that I almost become a reflex to you. You never have to wonder if I'm there. This is beautiful.
I love to see you and your dad together, see how you clench your hands a little when you talk to him, because it is so very important to you, what he says in response. Will he laugh? Was that funny? You think it was funny, but you're not quite sure. I love it because you have a dad who will laugh, who will show you card tricks, who will praise you when you get things right, and even when you try.
And then you come and lean on me and we read together, and I am happy with this little bit of unconscious affection. I don't ruin it by trying to cuddle, because I know you'll edge away, and so we sit, just leaning, just reading. Just laughing at what we read. You turn a brilliant smile up at me and I smile back.
I'm always here, my Kid A.
But I know that you know that.
Love,
Mama.
Photos are Chinua's
Reader Comments (14)
You are an amazing mom - I love how you grasp all of that already.... it's important!
I still kiss my oldest, who is 7. I tell him that I have to give him a million kisses in his lifetime so we might as well get it over with. He submits (happily, I think).
That is so true. It's bittersweet, raising kids....
How true this is. My boy is at that same stage and I to and learning how to show my affection.
Great way to put it!!! My oldest is at the same stage. He's 8 now, but has been avoiding my hugs and kisses for about 2 years. Occasionally he'll come over and do it himself, and sometimes he lets me do it - when he's sleepy ;)
I hated the separation but now am enjoying it. I also like to think it is because he is secure of our bonding. I also have a girl and a younger boy (no baby, though...) and they behave the same right now as your other children(mine are all slightly older than yours). I keep telling myself to enjoy this stage, and then leap into the next.
But you know how that is a double-edged sword...
Marta from Lisbon
Beautiful post...My youngest turned 20 and it's so amazing how like you said you have spent that time bonding with them from the beginning...so true. But as they get grown up they still come back to you in subtle ways. Tonight my son called me to "catch me up". He was sad cuz his girlfriend is going off on an adventure on her own. He's looking for a job, and a new place to live and I thought it was so sweet of him to want to talk to me about it all. The conversation ended with a "love ya" from me and a "love you too" in return...Unexpected but sooo appreciated. They really do grow up too fast.
I marvel at how, in the midst of the very busy life you lead, you are able to also step back from it, reflect for a moment, put it into words, and then share it. I marvel at that. Thank you.
You are wise to be able to see all this with such clarity. There is beauty in every season, and I am afraid I spent entirely too much time grieving the passing season to appreciate the beauty of the one currently offering its gifts. I have learned in love, though, and can say without reserve that you wrote a very beautiful, very true post today. Blessings!
Thank you for the reminder. Your wise words brought tears to my eyes because I do feel the sting, but I am working on it.
I loved this because I am going through the same thing with my son, and I do feel the sting sometimes too. Not as much as I did originally, but it is still there on occasion. I like the thought that it is because he knows I am always there for him.
I also like that when he thinks no-one he knows will see him, or if he doesn't think about it, that he still holds my hand when we are out.
I am sure i am not the first person to tell you this Rae but your writing - it is so inspiring, the only thing more inspiring is the life of you and your family. Thank you so much for sharing with us
abs x
I love your voice. I love how you juxtapose the ordinary and the extra-ordinary. I have a 2 year old boy, and this piece speaks to me because it reminds me of us, the way he runs to hide in the nest of my hair when life gets too scary. The wet kisses. The simple act of I love you in the day to day.
Beautiful piece!
I know that, and love how you captured it into words. My first baby is now 21 - and I do get that occasional hug. It's priceless! Watching them grow and learn, there are no words to describe it.
That's so beautiful. I'm really moved and inspired Rachel. What a blessing!