I pin things here.
I write short things here.
My author page is here.
My photos are here.
I talk about books here.
Thursday
Oct292009
Lists are a kind of discipline
October 29, 2009
I am plummeting, for some reason, these days my heart is constantly sad. But even so, I can look all around me and see a blessing there, and there, and there. Right over there! Maybe the counting of these blessings, like beads on a rosary or tiny pebbles that I rub in my hands, is the most important kind of noticing. I feel like I am sinking, and so now I need to say thank you over and over again, because there is no sinking harder to come back from than self pity. I know myself enough to know that at some point I will come floating back to the surface. For now, I need to become even more still, to notice the simple, beautiful things that are following me and to say yes to each one, to welcome them in, because they are the hands of my Master, bringing me along.
Here are some beautiful things from this day:
1. There is a small toad who sits on my back stoop every evening, just outside the door. He blinks at me when I go outside. I make a sweeping gesture to let him know he can come in, but he never takes me up on my offer. He just sits there. I'm not sure why. Maybe he is bashful. He is a bashful toad, but he wants to sit just outside and be quiet, and maybe listen to my music, when it is playing in the evenings and the children are sleeping and the air has begun to cool down.
2. My little hibiscus bush has three buds that will most likely flower tomorrow. I pruned it and now it seems to be putting buds out everywhere. (There is a lesson here. Jesus, the Great Gardener, used this severe example of the branch and the scissors and the flowers.) There are buds for tomorrow, some for the next day... The flowers are bright yellow with a red heart. I want more flowers in my life. I will head to the nursery sometime in the next week, I think.
3. I have a papaya which will be perfect for breakfast, along with the yogurt I am making.
4. This evening kids and I went to the birthday party of a little boy that we met in the mountains, whose family is now here. We sat and talked and went for a walk and the kids were wild and the parents sought peace, and it was good and companionable.
5. Solo is possibly the cutest thing I have ever seen, these days. Talking earnestly to me. Standing up, taking steps, falling. Standing up, taking steps, falling. Shrieking with delight. This one's a good one. I think we'll keep him.
(The photo is of course by Chinua.)
Here are some beautiful things from this day:
1. There is a small toad who sits on my back stoop every evening, just outside the door. He blinks at me when I go outside. I make a sweeping gesture to let him know he can come in, but he never takes me up on my offer. He just sits there. I'm not sure why. Maybe he is bashful. He is a bashful toad, but he wants to sit just outside and be quiet, and maybe listen to my music, when it is playing in the evenings and the children are sleeping and the air has begun to cool down.
2. My little hibiscus bush has three buds that will most likely flower tomorrow. I pruned it and now it seems to be putting buds out everywhere. (There is a lesson here. Jesus, the Great Gardener, used this severe example of the branch and the scissors and the flowers.) There are buds for tomorrow, some for the next day... The flowers are bright yellow with a red heart. I want more flowers in my life. I will head to the nursery sometime in the next week, I think.
3. I have a papaya which will be perfect for breakfast, along with the yogurt I am making.
4. This evening kids and I went to the birthday party of a little boy that we met in the mountains, whose family is now here. We sat and talked and went for a walk and the kids were wild and the parents sought peace, and it was good and companionable.
5. Solo is possibly the cutest thing I have ever seen, these days. Talking earnestly to me. Standing up, taking steps, falling. Standing up, taking steps, falling. Shrieking with delight. This one's a good one. I think we'll keep him.
(The photo is of course by Chinua.)
Reader Comments (16)
I know that kind of plummeting...when you hear and see the happenings around you as if you're underwater.Things seem to move in slow motion,yet race past you as if you're frozen.You can rationalize in your brain all the myriad of reasons why you SHOULDN'T be feeling this way...yet those reasons don't lessen the reality. I've learned,in my ripe ol' age of 38, to take these times and embrace them as if you are embracing a bittersweet memory.Or the cold when it hits your face in the winter air. Or the rancid smell of something rotting in your refridgerator. Embrace this season of your heart,Rae.... and listen to the breeze.It always helps me feel more planted.
Maybe these periods of really feeling the gloom are functional for you, maybe your brain is telling your body that "hey - you need to be still for a while to let me catch up with life".
I hope the surface that you are floating back up to comes quickly and with not much anguish. x
Hugs, and prayers.
This post resonates with me. Those small blessings keep lifting you up, and then you will look back and think about how light you are now. Sometimes there *are* dark days, and acknowledging that is OK. I sometimes feel people block the sadness, as if it were evil. Sadness is a part of our life, and a blessing too, in its way, because the good is that much sweeter. *Hugs*
I applaud you for writing about 5 lovely things despite feeling blue. The toad charmed me. Hibiscus and lilac are alike--heavy pruning means more flowers--and that's true of me and my walk, too. Toddler boys who shriek and babble--a joy to behold.
Lets talk...we'll make a date, we'll have Ty phoo tea (lovely thanks for recommending) and we'll have a yarn. Now I know why I've had you on my heart the last couple of days...but especially this morning. Love you Sister!
you are making Yogurt? Amazing sister..
Call me crazy but I love that Solo as if he was my own.
Can you plan a holiday for yourself in the near future? It makes me happy to think of you having a holiday - resting in solitude for a few days.
Oh, and that toad, that toad is a fairytale sitting on your doorstep you lucky thing you.
Eleanor, I have this crazy dream, after I'm done weaning, to go to Thailand for a week by myself. Do research for a book that I want to write (about food, so the research includes eating!) and rest. The tickets are so cheap... now.. just the weaning and the timing and the money... if it all comes together I will have a little rest. (And I think I would like to have a minute out of India, also.)
Lara, sister! It's super easy. I'll tell all sometime.
Leaf, I'm glad that you found the Typhoo- glad that it wasn't just a tease. Now I can't find it here, although I'm sure it's in ONE of these little crazy shops somewhere.
Thanks all... especially for the understanding.
Firstly I want to send prayers and love from the 2 of us. Secondly I want to say, is Solo ever beautiful!!! He looks a lot like Kid A for sure. It must be so fun watching him learn to walk.
When your other half is away it's easy to sink I think. Thanks for sharing your blessings, that is a good way to deal with the loneliness. Love you!! Let's connect tomorrow morning our time!
sending warm hugs..
solo has your lips, i can see you in him so much!
im coming to india in february, to mysore to study some more in depth yoga and practice with my teachers at the http://kpjayi.org ashtanga yoga ashram i would love to visit you and your family, i will most likely not be taking my children, but may meet them there later with their dad for parikram/ pillgarmage in vrindvan, mathura, mayapur, jayapur, and navadvip in march.. which are the birth places of krishna radha and caitanya mahaprabhu... i hope you are still there in india when i venture, i would sooo love to see you and your beaming family, you are all little angels of light.. re: pruning the tree, in the veda's it also talks about the need to prune the tree, so the roots and foundation can be strong, it is so important to not let our energy get scattered and allow that tree to bloom and flourish continually.. watering a little every day, pruning out that which is not serving.. remembering, you are so dear.. just hearing you talk about touching a rosary makes me want to cry, i have malla beads i touch every day, it is like an umbilical chord to my spiritual master, i can't stay afloat without devotion, chanting, practice and meditation, what to speak of association of inspiration. You are a warrior goddess! I hope and pray that you get a rest to go to thailand, all mothers need time for them selves, what good are we to everyone else if we are not caring for our own needs? We will have more love to give and serve when we care for ourselves too! that is why i am going on a trip to india..
Wonder of it all. And it struck me that Angie knows how you are feeling. Thinking of you and your adorable family and sending prayes on the wind.
your writing is one of the beautiful things in my day - thank you. It is so quiet, so unassuming and so fine. the ebbs and flows of sorrow, the toad and the pruned hibiscus bush and the direct unblinking gaze of a child all started to weave together and I thought of penelope weaving and unweaving her tapestry as she waited for ulysses to return home. I am always amazed by how in writing about your own life so honestly, you articulate something that resonates within so many women's lives.
There’s a story which fairies do tell
Of a toad and a prince and a spell.
It says: The hard work of love
Is a gift from above,
But don’t forget to replenish your well.
P.S. That dream sounds perfect to me, not crazy at all. Go for it if you can.
P.P.S. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Crane_frog4.jpg
Eleanor, I love the limerick. And the picture, the picture is perfect, except that my toad has his nose right up against the door. Which makes me wonder, is it Chinua? Is Chinua in Israel, or is he a toad, waiting for me to recognize him? But I know he' s in Israel, so it's maybe some other prince? In which case, I'm taken, my little toady friend.
Menaka, Solo does look like me. You would be most welcome, most most welcome, dear friend. I don't actually have or use a rosary, it was just a metaphor. And I can say that I am definitely not a warrior goddess, just a small girl, really. Barely walking, but always pulled back up. I hope we can see each other soon!
Gadia, thank you. Comments like these really help me when I wonder to myself whether I should be so honest on my blog, and then realize that I don't have a choice, because either I'm honest, or I don't write. That seems to be the way for me.
Tj, it also struck me that Angie understood. It was like immediate balm. And Mama, thanks- he is beautiful. I need to get some video up soon. :)
Oh God, who hasn't those moments/days of general blue feeling.
But still you manage to write so gently, so beautifully as if you were talking about somebody else, not you.
Love the toad!