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Monday
Mar092009
We Interrupt this GiST Stream for a Post About Kissing
March 9, 2009
When I was in France last year (I guess it was actually the year before last-WEIRD) with friends, we noted that there seemed to be no rhyme or reason to the kissing. Sometimes when greeting, someone would kiss us once, on both cheeks. But then sometimes there was a RETURN to the first cheek thrown in there, and we were all, WHa-whoA-well-Okay. And then, sometimes. Four. Two for each cheek.
As my Italian friend said to me here, This is just too much.
But we kiss a lot here. North Americans tend to be huggers, but here in our International Community, there is such a conglomeration of Europeans, North Americans, Aussies, Russians, and people from the Middle East, not to mention Koreans and Japanese, that, well, the consensus seems to be kissing. Unfortunately for us, we are the least practiced. Maybe Korean people are less practised, I don't know. A lot of Indian people kiss, and a lot simply smile, and some shake hands.
The thing is, when you say hello or goodbye with kisses, and you happen to be Not Practiced, ANY NUMBER of AWKWARDNESSES can befall you. Here are some examples.
1. The duck and collide. You go for a hug, they go for a kiss, and you end up smashing them in the nose with your pointy shoulder. It's not only awkward, it's a little aggressive, you.
2. The h-h-h-hello. You second guess yourself so many times that you do a little hen dance, trying to decide which cheek to aim for. Then you are embarrassed, so you end up saying, Awwww... in your cute awkward lovey voice. (The Awwww is totally unnecessary, by the way.)
3. The ear explosion. This happens when you aim too far back, and end up making a lip smacking noise at the exact angle perfect for puncture of the ear drum. You know you've done this when the person backs away from you with a look of surprised injury. They are wondering why you hurt them like this.
4. The accidental lippist. Perhaps the worst of the bunch, this is what happens when angles are all wrong, again, except that when you go to make your move, you overcorrect and end up catching the corner of the person's mouth. At this point you back away without meeting their eyes.
5. Then there are all manner of awkward ducks and dodges, beard rubbings and half hugs and the question of two? three? Oh, are we going for another? Okay!
I've compiled a few tips that you may find helpful.
1. Air kissing is so superficial. Make contact, at least with your cheeks.
2. Sound helps. You need a nice MWAH.
3. Greeting kisses are not meant to be wet. Keep it dry and quick. You'll know if you have lips that are too moist if you catch people surreptitiously wiping their cheeks with the back of their hands after you kiss them.
4. I'd say that your best bet is two. Don't second guess, just go for a smooth swooping motion. Aim midway, definitely not too far back. Be the leader. Your kissing mate will follow your lead. Only go for three if the person you are kissing is French.
If you are really good friends, a little hug at the same time is always sweet. But trying to combine sideways hugs and greeting kisses is the SUREST path to awkwardness. Avoid this at all costs.
Over time, with practice, you may get to a point where you can keep from embarrassing yourself. Too much.
As my Italian friend said to me here, This is just too much.
But we kiss a lot here. North Americans tend to be huggers, but here in our International Community, there is such a conglomeration of Europeans, North Americans, Aussies, Russians, and people from the Middle East, not to mention Koreans and Japanese, that, well, the consensus seems to be kissing. Unfortunately for us, we are the least practiced. Maybe Korean people are less practised, I don't know. A lot of Indian people kiss, and a lot simply smile, and some shake hands.
The thing is, when you say hello or goodbye with kisses, and you happen to be Not Practiced, ANY NUMBER of AWKWARDNESSES can befall you. Here are some examples.
1. The duck and collide. You go for a hug, they go for a kiss, and you end up smashing them in the nose with your pointy shoulder. It's not only awkward, it's a little aggressive, you.
2. The h-h-h-hello. You second guess yourself so many times that you do a little hen dance, trying to decide which cheek to aim for. Then you are embarrassed, so you end up saying, Awwww... in your cute awkward lovey voice. (The Awwww is totally unnecessary, by the way.)
3. The ear explosion. This happens when you aim too far back, and end up making a lip smacking noise at the exact angle perfect for puncture of the ear drum. You know you've done this when the person backs away from you with a look of surprised injury. They are wondering why you hurt them like this.
4. The accidental lippist. Perhaps the worst of the bunch, this is what happens when angles are all wrong, again, except that when you go to make your move, you overcorrect and end up catching the corner of the person's mouth. At this point you back away without meeting their eyes.
5. Then there are all manner of awkward ducks and dodges, beard rubbings and half hugs and the question of two? three? Oh, are we going for another? Okay!
I've compiled a few tips that you may find helpful.
1. Air kissing is so superficial. Make contact, at least with your cheeks.
2. Sound helps. You need a nice MWAH.
3. Greeting kisses are not meant to be wet. Keep it dry and quick. You'll know if you have lips that are too moist if you catch people surreptitiously wiping their cheeks with the back of their hands after you kiss them.
4. I'd say that your best bet is two. Don't second guess, just go for a smooth swooping motion. Aim midway, definitely not too far back. Be the leader. Your kissing mate will follow your lead. Only go for three if the person you are kissing is French.
If you are really good friends, a little hug at the same time is always sweet. But trying to combine sideways hugs and greeting kisses is the SUREST path to awkwardness. Avoid this at all costs.
Over time, with practice, you may get to a point where you can keep from embarrassing yourself. Too much.
Reader Comments (20)
My policy with kissing is- avoid it at all costs, lest you never know when to stop. You cant go on kissing someone EVERY time you see them for the rest of your life, can you? Im in this predicament at the moment. Starting with the kissing causes a dangerous precedent, I think. Duck, duck like your life is on the line!!!
I am not sure if this makes it better or worse, but in my current kissing-friendly country, I try to point out as much as possible how dumb I am in the ways of kissing ettiquette and never know when or how or how many times, etc...It makes me feel better anyway.
I've spent a Christmas in France which involved a family gathering of people from all parts of the country...they all have their own bloody kissing system. Oh my, that was terrifying.
So, so funny Rae :) I've always wondered about all the little intricacies of such a thing!
Uh oh, I would totally suck at that! Now you have scared me! I've been known to avoid casual kissing by going to the opposite of the room from the kisser.
Living in southern Brazil, I got used to the extra affection and really missed it when we came back (to the States). But Brazilians are more huggers with a one-cheek peck. Not so hard. Still, the tips are great!
I'm not a kisser by nature, but these tips will come in handy next time I travel.
Ahhh, now I see. No hug with kiss. Point taken.
If we do ever meet...I'm going to give you a huge smoochy kiss and a big bear hug. You have been warned.
Too funny!
Mary, mom to many
oh dang, you nearly had me pee my shorts i was laughing so hard at this post. mostly b/c where i live these filipino folks are big kissers and i did not grow up in such a custom. as a result i have experienced much of what you spoke about and just cringe and laugh in hindsight how awkward many moments have been. how many times i have been kissed in the ear thinking we were just going to hug and yet he/she had other intentions. you have great advice for these confusion situations (0:
This is awesome. My husband's aunt is a kisser and I have gotten used to making cheek contact while sounding out a nice MWAH. At first, though, there were several awkward moments.
oh my, this is good to know! Thanks for the insight! I am sure you have saved me much future awkwardness.
The GH's grandmother always tries to kiss me. I still can't figure out if she's going for the lips or cheeks or both. I keep ducking and hugging. It's awkward all right.
awesome list. i have relatives that kiss twice and some that kiss three times and i always mix it up. now i just let them grab my face and go with it.
THIS IS SO FUNNY!!!! I have done all of the above. Your rules are awesome.
Dutch people do the three kiss thing too! My husband is Dutch and I'm American - it took a while but now all my American relatives know to expect that third kiss...
I like reading the embarrassing moments. Maybe I
I am pretty practiced at three kisses myself, with my Dutch husband and all, but it wasn't always that way. Once, a long time ago, I went to a party for my husband's friend. His family was wealthy and poised and I...was not. In greeting the friend's father, (who was much taller than me, as most Dutch people are) I misjudged the distance and kissed him completely. full. on. the. mouth. Not the corner, full contact. I still cringe to think of it! I was off for the rest of the evening. It's hard to recover after such a mishap.
My kissing advice: it helps to be in a partial hug or holding your friend's arm - then both parties are stabilized and random kiss landings are less likely!
The day after I read this hi-larious post, I ran smack into a Euro kissing situation. My roommate Flo is French, and I forgot that I told her I would try to greet her with the customary kisses. (Rae, your instruction will no doubt assist.) Than I'm reading your blog and the very next day Flo and some other friends are all about it and Flo is demonstrating all of the most awkward methods. Yes! I got the written and the enacted versions of the awkward non-kiss-greeters-doing-their-best-to-kiss-greet. Love it!
The other day I had a very awkward kissing dilemma. An older male friend of Ron's gave me a big hug, and then went on to make a kissing sound which I thought was turning into a kiss, so I in turn did the peck on the cheek only to realize that he had not carried through. It was an air kiss. I felt so silly, stupid, etc. but now I feel affirmed - at least I committed to the kiss! There is a kissing etiquette and now I know the rules. :)