Thanks so much

Sometimes the question goes through my head, is it okay to just keep writing about me? The spats of depression, the wonder, the wacky thoughts.  And it seems that you answered the question with a resounding yes, so I'll keep on.

It is so helpful to know what you like.  This blog is for me in a way, but also for you, and I like hearing that you want to hear more about the kids, or that you like the photos, because then I don't feel like I am gratuitously shoveling my motherhood down your skinny throats.

Many of you wrote that you resound with the bits where I'm crying into my sleeves on the floor.  I'm glad for this because it is another indication that I am not alone, that you are not alone.  And that we will get through.

(When Chinua and I arrived here it was pouring rain and freezing and we had a terrible little guest house room with mint green walls.  I could barely see my way out of it, especially after we househunted up and down the hills in the rain for several days, finding nothing.  "Over there, let's check that house out!" we'd say and then twenty minutes later we'd arrive, only to find... nothing. We kept looking at each other and saying, "We survived Calangute.  We can survive this."

Oh Calangute, Goa, mother of my breakdown, tiny guesthouse on a crowded loud street, lost, monsoon rain and mold and ants everywhere, falling into puddles the size of a house, alone, hot, pregnant, displaced.  We survived. We will get through.)

Also, spirituality.  Faith, love of God, love of man.  Oceans of grace.  I'd like to write more and more on this.  I think what stops me is the knowledge that it has been written about, by better people than me, but I guess that no one who is precisely Rae in India with four young children, meditating in community, has written about it.

Food.  I'd like to write more about food.  This year has saved my mind as far as food is concerned.  I was practically crippled, in America.  What it took was some time in the kitchen with an Indian woman and some serious scaling back, as far as choices go.  I need to write more about it, because I think it could help many people.

Day to day life is a big one.  Writing it all down.

And now I will answer one of my own questions, just to be fair.

1. Why do you come here?

I come here because writing is the way that I think about things, and because it helps me participate in my life by being an author.  Every time I step away from posting, I am a little more healed.  I continue because I love to look back and remember things that I would have forgotten, if I hadn't written them down, and I continue because of the amazing community that is here, cheering me on.