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Tuesday
Mar232010
This is a path of a tired mind.
March 23, 2010
It's funny isn't it?
How you put it into the camera and put a soundtrack to it, and suddenly you appreciate how much it's all worth? You see them anew, see their smiles and hear their chirpy fast-forward mouse voices. You see the baby, smiling sweetly, fresh from his nap. You think, wow, the houses are really cute.
You stop thinking, why does concrete have to hold so much heat? You don't see the kidney-stone/colitis combo your husband has been suffering from for three weeks, or the massive skin infection you're recovering from. You don't see the ant bites, smell the trash burning. You don't see the struggles you have with feeling like you are never quite good enough. As a mom, as a friend, as a wife. Nobody is complaining about being bored, no one is fighting. No one is falling off the three short steps and bashing their head on the bottom one and being rushed to the hospital to get sixteen stitches.
Hmm. This is getting confusing. Let's change pronouns and tenses.
(Leafy fell, yesterday, when I wasn't here. He was just on the front steps, but he slipped or tripped, or something. There was blood everywhere. You could see his precious Leafy skull. And then later, all stitched up and much better, all he could talk about was that now he looks like a Transformer. He's amazing, that kid.)
I guess I am writing this because of the overwhelming love my commenters give me, and the way they affirm our parenting choices. I don't want to be a fraud. It is not all pretty. But it is very blessed, very good, and we are very thankful. We trade some things for others. Clean spaces for wide spaces, well-built houses for houses close together.
I am a typical neurotic basket case. I question myself everyday. I mostly keep it inside, keep it simple, and just continue. Keep calm and carry on, and all that.
I'm starting to think that the ability to accept the love of God is more than just a bonus, it is an essential part of my faith. If I, as a Christian, can't receive love from God, then what can I do? If I am low, dragging my belly on the ground, constantly prostrating myself rather than holding my head in the sun? I only have words, then. But my loud message, the one that I carry, is like a wave beating on the wall of the lie that is constantly vibrating under our ground, under the whole earth, poisoning the air. It causes all the brokenness and pain; the lie: "The Creator does not love you. He does not want you, he doesn't like you."
So my life work is first to practice being loved. He is loving, so I am lovely. I practice this, I bring it into me, I walk farther and farther through the dust of the constant lying, the constant travail and evil of the opposite. Of the names unloved, irredeemable, screw up, simply worthless. It's a good life work, being loved.
Second, to practice love. To see the loved ones all around me and to extend an open hand. To be gracious, to be clear, to sing with ringing tones the very truth that keeps my bones together. We are loved!
I often have a picture or a story that I return to, in meditation. Lately I think about an ashram. I've read many things about ashrams, but one thing is that in an ashram with a human guru, there is so much hope deferred, so much competition for the slightest bit of attention, the slightest glance from the guru. Oh, if he would notice me, oh, maybe if I get close enough, maybe if I prove myself... he passed and again he didn't see me. Maybe if I give more money?
In my picture of the ashram where Jesus lives, the guru (Jesus), has enough attention for every person there. He envelops and fills at once. He gives a gentle reassuring touch on the arm, his eyes are understanding, he sits among a busy crowd and there is always enough.
My heart is filled with thankfulness. I will practice this. Next time I feel like I'm not enough, I will remind myself that I am loved. That there is enough room for all of us.
How you put it into the camera and put a soundtrack to it, and suddenly you appreciate how much it's all worth? You see them anew, see their smiles and hear their chirpy fast-forward mouse voices. You see the baby, smiling sweetly, fresh from his nap. You think, wow, the houses are really cute.
You stop thinking, why does concrete have to hold so much heat? You don't see the kidney-stone/colitis combo your husband has been suffering from for three weeks, or the massive skin infection you're recovering from. You don't see the ant bites, smell the trash burning. You don't see the struggles you have with feeling like you are never quite good enough. As a mom, as a friend, as a wife. Nobody is complaining about being bored, no one is fighting. No one is falling off the three short steps and bashing their head on the bottom one and being rushed to the hospital to get sixteen stitches.
Hmm. This is getting confusing. Let's change pronouns and tenses.
(Leafy fell, yesterday, when I wasn't here. He was just on the front steps, but he slipped or tripped, or something. There was blood everywhere. You could see his precious Leafy skull. And then later, all stitched up and much better, all he could talk about was that now he looks like a Transformer. He's amazing, that kid.)
I guess I am writing this because of the overwhelming love my commenters give me, and the way they affirm our parenting choices. I don't want to be a fraud. It is not all pretty. But it is very blessed, very good, and we are very thankful. We trade some things for others. Clean spaces for wide spaces, well-built houses for houses close together.
I am a typical neurotic basket case. I question myself everyday. I mostly keep it inside, keep it simple, and just continue. Keep calm and carry on, and all that.
I'm starting to think that the ability to accept the love of God is more than just a bonus, it is an essential part of my faith. If I, as a Christian, can't receive love from God, then what can I do? If I am low, dragging my belly on the ground, constantly prostrating myself rather than holding my head in the sun? I only have words, then. But my loud message, the one that I carry, is like a wave beating on the wall of the lie that is constantly vibrating under our ground, under the whole earth, poisoning the air. It causes all the brokenness and pain; the lie: "The Creator does not love you. He does not want you, he doesn't like you."
So my life work is first to practice being loved. He is loving, so I am lovely. I practice this, I bring it into me, I walk farther and farther through the dust of the constant lying, the constant travail and evil of the opposite. Of the names unloved, irredeemable, screw up, simply worthless. It's a good life work, being loved.
Second, to practice love. To see the loved ones all around me and to extend an open hand. To be gracious, to be clear, to sing with ringing tones the very truth that keeps my bones together. We are loved!
I often have a picture or a story that I return to, in meditation. Lately I think about an ashram. I've read many things about ashrams, but one thing is that in an ashram with a human guru, there is so much hope deferred, so much competition for the slightest bit of attention, the slightest glance from the guru. Oh, if he would notice me, oh, maybe if I get close enough, maybe if I prove myself... he passed and again he didn't see me. Maybe if I give more money?
In my picture of the ashram where Jesus lives, the guru (Jesus), has enough attention for every person there. He envelops and fills at once. He gives a gentle reassuring touch on the arm, his eyes are understanding, he sits among a busy crowd and there is always enough.
My heart is filled with thankfulness. I will practice this. Next time I feel like I'm not enough, I will remind myself that I am loved. That there is enough room for all of us.
Reader Comments (18)
I loved this post Rae, it is just what I needed today. Thanks.
Yes Rae--we are accepted in the beloved. There is naught else for us to do. We are loved with an everlasting love and underneath are the everlasting arms. The enemy of your soul, the accuser Satan, whispers in your ear: 'you're not enough' . But he is a liar and the father of all lies. Banish him in the name of Jesus. As a daughter of the King of Kings envision yourself as his beloved child. I often picture him as this magnificent King and myself as a six year old girl. He is doing important business, I enter the room and all else stops as he catches my eye, I see his nod and I run head long and jump into his lap, his arms enfolding me. He always loves me, always has time for me. And he loves every one of his children just like that. We CAN come boldly to him--to the throne of grace. Believe it.
Thank you. This helps me to re-center; to again fix my wandering eye on Jesus. I realize afresh with this read that I am so narcissistic - and that in my most precious relationships! It has detrimental effects! But I get lost and start worrying (literally - like a dog on a cat!) about "me". UGH!!
So, thanks for the sermon. I needed it!
One of my favorite lines, "while you were still weak..."
And we are weak still. How wonderful is Steadfast Love!
And here's a little blog love.... I love yours:) And like my mother always says, "not because I think you're perfect!" But you do a sweet job at showing both the lovely and the struggle.
.-= Christine´s last blog ..http://homemadeinchina.blogspot.com/2010/03/preparations.html" rel="nofollow">Preparations =-.
What a journey, the idea that this is a life journey,so powerful. It is amazing when we discover that it is a journey and each day a choice. I grapple with this each day I have to remind myself like a horse needing a bridle to be driven and guided. This is walking with him in this journey. The need, the hunger it always takes you back making you want more. Because it is in that love that we are able to feel and know truth and security. There we most fell complete.
Thanks for sharing that, I know exactly what you mean I don't think anything but an intimate relationship or friendship can really give others a glimpse of our heart and all it's pieces.
So sista, Shalom to and may we all dwell in His Grace and Space.
xoxoxo
Angelique
I (finally) saw the video earlier today; was having trouble loading vimeo when you first posted. I absolutely adored it. Your beautiful family inspires our beautiful family more than you will ever know. Thank you for sharing.
Peace & Blessings
~Hillary
Thanks for sharing this.....it was a wonderful word! Lately I've been grovelling.....fearing....all those things that I felt like I conquered so long ago, pop up and totally try to defeat me. Today I read Romans 8 and realized again the difference between the lies and the real truth. You'd think I'd finally "get" it.
Love you,
About the film and soundtrack phenomenon...cinema is indeed a powerful medium. Your blog, however, is probably even more powerful - don't underestimate the power of your writing dear Rae. It's moving mountains all around the world, it really is. Plus, sharing and emphasising happiness does not make you a fraud, it makes you human, and happy.
As for your physical health, I wish you, Chinua and the whole family quick recoveries.
P.S.
I KNEW Solo had just woken up from a nap! I knew it!
.-= Eleanor´s last blog ..http://eleanorfromthecommentbox.blogspot.com/2010/03/film-school-rant.html" rel="nofollow">Film School Rant =-.
Please don't be alarmed, but I think I love you even more because you are concerned we will think your life is shinier than it actually is. Anyone belonging to a family unit understands that every once in a while our very best parts overshadow the everyday obstacles. In my own family, I hope these happy moments rise to the surface of everyone's memory so in time, they will be the ones recalled.
THANK YOU! Your words are really what I needed this morning as my own world as a mother, wife, daughter,child of God; falls apart...My father has a brain tumor, my husband has told me he wants a divorce after 24 years together, and I have just found out I have another large tumor in my breast. (Had cancer at 18--made it to 40 and now it's back) Where does it end? I keep asking myself how I open up and let myself be loved by God. But right now I'm in the anger phase. And as much as I want to open my arms and ask him to come in and hold me, for just a little while, until I can hold myself up a wee bit, all I feel capable of is hitting him in the chest with my fists and screaming that infamous "WHY??!!" But you inspire me. Give me hope. And just maybe by the end of the day the peace will settle in and I'll be able to listen to for His answer and feel His love.
Just the reminder I need. Thank you.
.-= green girl in Wisconsin´s last blog ..http://melissawestemeier.blogspot.com/2010/03/calling-all-super-writers.html" rel="nofollow">calling all super-writers! =-.
Your writing is AMAZING. Thank you.
Beautiful and wise words, as usual. Thank you! I hope Leafy's Transformer head is well soon.
Blessings,
Sandwich (ps. I quoted you on my blog, hope that's ok)
.-= SandwichinWI´s last blog ..http://blessingssandwich.blogspot.com/2010/03/lovely.html" rel="nofollow">Lovely =-.
Rachel, I too thank you for writing this. I feel like I'm slowly coming to the realization that love is what it is ALL about. His love for us is everything. The more we walk in this love, the more we know how powerful and meaningful our lives are. I will pray for you to grow in the ability to accept his love. Bless you dear sister.
Beautiful, as always Rachel...i love how you use words, and how you are so real... you make me feel beautifully brave, in a messy authentic persistent way.
it is the words you write just so, like this, that have drawn me back year after year. i remember when i met you....it was a picture of you in a knit hat. leafy was a baby. and i have loved your loveliness ever since.
thanks for the full disclosure on the daily unphotographed life. this too is just as lovely. and makes me feel normal. kiss hug, a
.-= mamie´s last blog ..http://mamieknits.blogspot.com/2010/03/all-good.html" rel="nofollow">All Good =-.
I totally get where you're coming from. It's hard sometimes to push out all the negativity - the feelings that we are not good enough, even when Jesus tells us we are not only precious but we are especially precious to Him. Living in what I consider to be the craziest city in the world (NYC), while homeschooling and trying to keep up with everything, I ache for His still small voice to nourish me, and am always blown away by His faithfulness when He does.
Why does it always surprise me?
Thank you Rae for sharing, it blessed me tremendously!
Rae,
Thank you for the openness, transparency in the sharing. Very encouraging words for The Journey.
May Grace over take you and tackle you!
.-= Michael´s last blog ..http://pioneerseer.blogspot.com/2010/04/agenda-ambition-and-kung-fu.html" rel="nofollow">Agenda, Ambition and Kung Fu =-.