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Friday
Sep052008
Out!
September 5, 2008
This morning was rough. Mornings have been, lately.
Enter the dancing rhinoceros waving his palm fronds. Impossible to ignore, with the annoying whiny singsong voice singing the "Failure" song. I try to keep my chin up, to walk around him as politely as possible. I try to awaken with deep breaths in my lungs, shoulders back, to smile and be kind and be above it all. Above the breakfast traffic in the kitchen, Leafy on the floor crying because I can't get anything quick enough to suit him, Kid A and his strong breakfast opinions. I try to be the older one, the calm one, the tallest.
Always ignoring the lumpy rhino sitting on my living room floor, smirking at me.
Sometimes the blogs I read are inspiring to me. There are lovely photos, beautiful images. And sometimes I wonder: do their kids ever drive them to sharp words? Do their lives ever feel like chaos? Are there days when they sit and stare at the wall, willing themselves to get up and leap in, even though they just felt their last shreds of determination fizzle away in their stomachs?
You guys, it's really not the poo that gets to me. It's the squabbling. The complaining. The shrieking which is happening even right now, as I write this. This is what makes me feel that, try as hard as I might, I'm outnumbered. The atmosphere of my home is not really up to me. And they are winning.
They are children. They need to be helped through and over and above their emotions. But there are so many of them, and only one smiling me. (Actually, Chinua and Renee have been known to smile too, but they're not here ALL the time, and besides, screaming is louder than smiling.)
Anyways. This weekend marks the fourth week that I have been only in the house, except for going to the birth center pregnant and coming home with a baby. (I was home for a week before the baby was born, since the scooter was too uncomfortable for me.) Today my midwife came over and gave me the all clear to get on the scooter again.
So this afternoon, in the late afternoon sun, I left the house, by myself, to get ingredients for a cake that I am making for Kid A tomorrow. It's been four weeks. FOUR WEEKS.
I can't even tell you what it meant to me. I didn't bring the camera, but the next time I go, I'll bring it, so that I can show you some of the things that I saw.
I didn't have music playing, but it seemed to me that the loveliest songs were echoing over the rice fields. I have never seen anything so beautiful. The sun, the new flowers. The jungle seems friendly now, in the post-monsoon sun, not oppressive anymore. Leaves were burning, everything everywhere smelled fresh and new. I smiled at everyone I saw.
And when I got home, the rhinoceros was gone. Or rather, he was out in the yard, but I think I can keep him at bay.
Enter the dancing rhinoceros waving his palm fronds. Impossible to ignore, with the annoying whiny singsong voice singing the "Failure" song. I try to keep my chin up, to walk around him as politely as possible. I try to awaken with deep breaths in my lungs, shoulders back, to smile and be kind and be above it all. Above the breakfast traffic in the kitchen, Leafy on the floor crying because I can't get anything quick enough to suit him, Kid A and his strong breakfast opinions. I try to be the older one, the calm one, the tallest.
Always ignoring the lumpy rhino sitting on my living room floor, smirking at me.
Sometimes the blogs I read are inspiring to me. There are lovely photos, beautiful images. And sometimes I wonder: do their kids ever drive them to sharp words? Do their lives ever feel like chaos? Are there days when they sit and stare at the wall, willing themselves to get up and leap in, even though they just felt their last shreds of determination fizzle away in their stomachs?
You guys, it's really not the poo that gets to me. It's the squabbling. The complaining. The shrieking which is happening even right now, as I write this. This is what makes me feel that, try as hard as I might, I'm outnumbered. The atmosphere of my home is not really up to me. And they are winning.
They are children. They need to be helped through and over and above their emotions. But there are so many of them, and only one smiling me. (Actually, Chinua and Renee have been known to smile too, but they're not here ALL the time, and besides, screaming is louder than smiling.)
Anyways. This weekend marks the fourth week that I have been only in the house, except for going to the birth center pregnant and coming home with a baby. (I was home for a week before the baby was born, since the scooter was too uncomfortable for me.) Today my midwife came over and gave me the all clear to get on the scooter again.
So this afternoon, in the late afternoon sun, I left the house, by myself, to get ingredients for a cake that I am making for Kid A tomorrow. It's been four weeks. FOUR WEEKS.
I can't even tell you what it meant to me. I didn't bring the camera, but the next time I go, I'll bring it, so that I can show you some of the things that I saw.
I didn't have music playing, but it seemed to me that the loveliest songs were echoing over the rice fields. I have never seen anything so beautiful. The sun, the new flowers. The jungle seems friendly now, in the post-monsoon sun, not oppressive anymore. Leaves were burning, everything everywhere smelled fresh and new. I smiled at everyone I saw.
And when I got home, the rhinoceros was gone. Or rather, he was out in the yard, but I think I can keep him at bay.
Reader Comments (24)
Beautifully written as usual. It's so nice to hear that you have doubts and chaos in your home... really! I read you and wonder if my life could ever be so idyllic. Thank you for the reality check... it makes me like you even more.
Hydes
4 weeks... TOO long! Glad you had some breathing space and hope you get some more, soon!
Delurking here. I read you every day, and have for 2 years? 3? I don't know. But I do know that I have posted only once or twice thinking that I don't really have much to say to you that is of benefit. What could you possibly gain from somebody who has always lived in the comfort of middle class US? You are levels above me in experiences and I usually feel small as I read your life.
You are the blog that I read to be inspired. You are the blog that I read and wonder if there is ever chaos, sharp words, or hard times. You are the blog in my life that is filled with beautiful photos, stories, and words.
I read you to hear about your travels (though, admittedly, I'm still confused if your family moved for work or pleasure, or the pleasure that is your work, and wondering what you guys do out there). I read you through my first pregnancy, and now as my son has grown to be one and we look forward to our second pregnancy. I read you for your comforting words. I read you to be happy.
Thanks for sharing that it always ins't perfect. That there are struggles, not only within, but with family members and the normalcy of life. And, thank you for your recipes.
Jessica
Let me tell you, I only have one, granted she is teething and I feel like the poking my own eyes out so how you do it, in India with four is beyond me! FAR FAR beyond me! You also seem to do it quite well be proud!
Honey--I feel your pain..hahaha...I had those days too when mine were small--just two, boy first, then girl, one year nine months apart. Those days of which you write are tough..but you'll weather them as I did..and relish them all the more. You know this..you just need to hear the words.
My baby boy just turned 40---where did the time go? Oh to go back to those noisy difficult days now would be lovely. Yes, I'm thrilled that both my young'ins are grown and make me happy and proud. Little did I know back then that those difficult days would be among the best and happiest days of my life.
You wrote:
"And sometimes I wonder: do their kids ever drive them to sharp words? Do their lives ever feel like chaos? Are there days when they sit and stare at the wall, willing themselves to get up and leap in, even though they just felt their last shreds of determination fizzle away in their stomachs?"
Yes. All the time. Absolutely.
I don't even have children and I have days like this, or at least similar in a different way, if that makes sense.
I'm just too private to be ready to share them on my blog yet. But I think it's good for all of us to be reminded of how others may be struggling, even if we can't see it over the internet.
Hang in there, and get back on that scooter when you can!
Just this week I was thinking . . . all these blogs. Everyone seems so perfect. I'm not perfect. Do we just put our perfection on our blogs? What about the hard days? What about the days when I've not only let down myself, but all those little people I treasure the most?
Perhaps most of the battle is believing that each new day really is a new day and we get a "do over".
Once again - thank you for helping me feel normal. I love being a wife and mother of 5, yet I have those days when I question my abilities. It's good to know you and others are out there having those rhinoceros days as well.
I have so many days like that; maybe you are dealing with more of them lately cause everyone is adjusting to the new reality and you are also more tired than usual. When it gets like this ( and I have only two) I read your blogs and I feel happier and part of a larger community of mothers going through the same stuff and you make me laugh and sigh and put it all in perspective and you inspire me to write and be more courageous. So maybe read some of your own blogs back to yourself and just like you did, get out alone with your own body and your own thoughts and have them all to yourself just for a little while.
And keep writing!
I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one and that it is the screeching and yelling and crying that are just to much sometimes. I am so glad you got a little break. Everyone needs it.
Jessica expressed my thoughts exactly except I've only been reading a few months. Your writing is very inspiring(and I too am not clear about why you are there and what you and/or Chinua do for work there).
Ok, I remember days, weeks, heck maybe years like that. Well, maybe not years on end, but ya know. One thing I know I need and I think you do too, is time alone when you don't have to deal with anyone else. So this friend suggests you sit down with the adults in your house and chisel out a time, each day, when they can be with the whining masses and then you go off by yourself to a quiet spot. But regardless, things will be better. And of course, look on the bright side, you really enjoyed yourself this afternoon didn't you? Blessings.
Just curious-- Have you taken Solo out and about yet? Are you into babywearing? Seems like an ideal place to do it...
You are out numbered. :) And you are so amazing in so many ways! Hang in there Mama Rae.
I feel just like that at least once a day. I teach Kindergarten as well as the three at home and I have to often stop and first count in my head, then outloud, so the children know that I am frustrated. I have to stop myself at least once a day in the middle of yelling to remember that they are in fact children and even if they are willfully not listening, they are in fact children.
I find that the few times that I do have time alone, even in the most mundane task, are refreshing for my mothering soul.
Getting to go to the bathroom without anyone else in the room or knocking on the door is really nice too.
I have days like that too...
Mary
We raised 3 kids, my youngest turned 20 this year. You can read about him on my blog. I remember the chaos and feeling like things were out of control (and they probably were) (smile) and it's so easy to lose yourself in the mix. It's so great you have your freedom back and that is just what you need to do...take some time for you. It makes it better for THEM in the long run. A wise woman once told me "Remember, this too will pass". I have used it many times throughout my life...Along with lamaze breathing. Take time girlie, take time and BREATHE!
What a well-written post. I'm so glad that you were able to get out into the sun and fresh air, to just be out!
I do believe that rhino gets around quite ably.It can be a powerful and encouraging thing to call him out and expose his tyranny to the world in a post or any other way, but sometimes that's just not possible.
The circumstances of my life with my one child in particular are so overwhelming that I hardly have the emotional energy to post anything. It's not that I'm hiding anything. The issues are often so heavy and complex that I can't possibly write coherently about them as they are happening... even if I didn't have the dilemma of how much I can reveal about a struggle that happens to involve much of a pre-teen's private life as well... even if i wasn't concerned about how much heaviness anyone wants to read about anyway... And so, I will myself out of bed in the morning and, for now, every once in a while, I post something about the little kids or a recipe.
All that to say, oh yeah, chaos, sharp words,failures and willing oneself out of bed. You're not alone in those days, and don't let any rhino tell you any differently.
Congrats on getting OUT!
Yes, it's always perfect here - no one EVER raises their voice.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
The first time I have ever been GLAD that rhinos are an endangered species ;) (No, i'm not really, just having some Fun with Metaphors!).
I am soooo calm and zen. I smile and float around the house in an apron (I do, but not always..) I read childrearing books with names like 'Above All, Be Kind' and I will never, ever allow a toy gun in the house. And just this morning my 5 and 2 year old invented 'The Hitting and Killing Game' and played in with wild abandon until I tried to get them to do some sewing. The 5 month old watched with a certain gleam in his eyes.
They are boys, btw. Did I need to clarify?
Anyway, yours is one of the blogs that I read for inspiration. Your're Fab! As long as you really are a Mum called Rae in India. You could be a 67 year old man in a wheelchair from Belfast for all I know. The Internet's funny like that...
Again with the joking.
Really.
Thank you for this! Sometimes I read your blog and think, Man, I wish I could be that brave and adventurous! And you are brave and adventurous but I also appreciate it when you remind us that you are just like us too:) Amen to getting out!!! Praying for you guys...
Thank you. I admit that I read blogs like yours, in part, for inspiration and reminders about the importance of family and joy of motherhood, sometimes after reading many accounts of complicated homemade projects, handknit blankets, adorable children, elaborate parties and delicious meals I feel depressed instead of inspired. So, thanks for the honesty. Seriously.
I think you have articulated well the despiration every mother feels at times. I have the kind of children who, when in public, are the most perfect, obedient, compliant and delightful little creatures. Then, we get home and the rhino thunders on in and takes up residence. (This doesn't always happen, but we have our share of rhino days!) To be honest there are times when I feel like I can't pry myself out of bed to face it. It's my latest mountain, and I can't say I've scaled it yet...I haven't arrived. But, I find comfort knowing there are other moms out there like you who love their kids to pieces despite the rhino, and who are willing to admit momentary failure, move on, and go for a scooter ride.
"And besides, screaming is louder than smiling."
Succinct greatness.
Another comforted, commiserating, inspired reader here.